10 seconds
by ZiverNavyCIS
Summary: All they wish is to go back to the 10 seconds they shared; their fingers intertwined - Before it all drastically changes.
1. 10 seconds

**A/N: Hello guys :) This is just a one-shot I wrote about the car scene in Berlin. Really, Berlin just ended my life with that ending. This one-shot focuses on Ziva and Tony's thought towards the end of the episode! I had to expand on what they were feeling :P Thank you for reading! Please review- I just want to know if it's good or not :D Thank you once again. **

**Note: It has been extended! (no knowing when it will end) **

* * *

_10 seconds._

_10 beautiful seconds their hands touched each other._

_10 amazing seconds he felt her pulse and so did she to his._

_10 seconds when both of them obliged to interlock their fingers, absorbing the warmth that ran through their bodies._

_10 seconds._

Tony memorized every ridge, every inch of Ziva's palm in his mind...so that he can hang on to her forever in his mind.

Eli's death built new barriers around her fragile beating heart. He just wishes to reach out to her, tell her that it's okay to let it all out, it's okay to cry. Because these barriers were about to crumble into pieces.

A few tears streamed down her olive tanned skin and he wanted to use his fingers to wipe away all the anguish that stemmed since she was a child. Her family was broken, damaged - more than he could ever imagine. All that's left is a Ziva questioning why - why is she still alive when no one she loves is. But he is here. Maybe he loves her but at this point he couldn't be sure about the feelings he has for her. Those feelings that drove him to fiercely protect her, those feelings prompted him to dance with her, not because of work but because he _wanted_ to.

God, his feelings were a mess and so is she.

* * *

Gradually, Ziva regained her composure as she turned to face him. Her eyes pleaded for an embrace, something to take away all the anguish, for she can't live like this anymore. She can't go on everyday being constantly reminded that her abba was gone, her mother was gone.

She can't go on knowing that everyone she loved is gone.

But to feel Tony's fingers sliding into hers, an indescribable feeling came over her. It was the feeling that took away her grief, even just for a little while. And she was grateful to have him by her side. She looked into his eyes, and saw a different Tony - this Tony is the man who saved her from the depths of hell and brought her home. This Tony can't live without her. And she can't live without him either.

Without Orly, her family wouldn't have fell apart. Her mother would not have fought so hard with Eli, and maybe she would still be here.

Yet, without Orly, she might have never met Tony. She would never have met any loving man such as this perfect soul driving beside her now. He healed her more than anybody could have, saw her for who she was- _A girl who is broken,_ rather than the Mossad facade she held in place.

_Her life meant nothing without Tony._

As her face broke into a genuine smile, a flash of white light blinded them both. Catching a brief glimpse of the raging car that rammed towards them, Tony slammed the brakes violently. His first instinct was to fling his body over Ziva's...

But it all came _crashing_ down too late.

The next millisecond, the distinct sound of metal crushing viciously deafened their ears.

It rendered them both helpless.

Without sight, without hearing, all Tony could focus on was.. Ziva. In the midst of confusion, his fingers clawed deeply into hers, trying so hard, so hard to hold on to her. He mustered all his strength to hang on to his love.

Effort was fruitless.

_His love slipped away from his tight grasp._

The collision caused both vehicles to spiral out of control, but extensive damage was done to Tony's car. Metal pieces were scattered everywhere. The sheer magnitude of the impact caused the couple to lurch forward with great force, only to slam back against the seats. Pain ripped their bodies - as they all thought they were taking their last breath. Glass shards fell violently on Tony and Ziva, the pain was so much they couldn't tell if any glass shard has made it's way through their skin.

Tony clenched his teeth, being unable to control the fast speed the car was thrown backwards at. Ziva let out a low moan before she went silent.

_"Ton...y.."_ His name were the last words Ziva David ever breathed out raggedly before darkness engulfed her.

The world was spinning in extreme speed, the car caved inwards further - Crushing them both beneath the mangled mess of broken metal.

Their car veered off course.

So did them both.

All he felt was agony, pain.

_Ziva's fingers were no longer intertwined with his._

He couldn't... He couldn't .. Feel her by his side.

Desperation clocked his every sense. He needs to find her.

Using the vestige of strength he has left, Tony spread his arm to his right - Hoping to touch Ziva, hoping that.. that she was still there.

Hoping that she is still breathing.

He thought he found her. He thought he felt a brush of cold skin.

_10 seconds to feel her again. Is that too much to ask?_

_10 seconds to see if she's okay._

_10 seconds, it's all he's asking for._

But darkness threatened to take him whole as he fell into total unconsciousness.


	2. Ani Ohevet Otcha

**A/N: Hello guys! I have decided to extend this one-shot so I guess it will be around four chapters? :) Anyways so sorry but this chapter is a real short one. Thank you for all your reviews! Please review too. **

She could not move. Or feel. All that she sees is darkness swallowing her in, like there is no end to it.

Ziva stirred slightly but pain surged through every part of her body. Her mind was in an extreme state of confusion as it raced to put the pieces to together. The air smelt of burnt metal and glass.

Then the truth hit her.

Tony's.. fingers interlocked with hers before everything went black. The car. _Their_ car. Their car crashed. Desperation seized her now for she couldn't feel Tony holding her hand. His hand was no longer there, and she couldn't see him at all. Her heart seized in fear, in fear of the worst.

She wanted to feel him so _badly._

To have that 10 seconds again.

The desire to see Tony caused her to open her eyes, and everything came to a painful, sharp focus. Restrained by a chunk of metal pressing heavily on her legs, her head turned only to be shocked by the sight of her lifeless partner.

Tony's bloodied face laid back against the car seat. His hands were so close to hers.. so close to touching hers. He tried. Tony tried to reach for her.

"Tony...Tony.. wake up." Ziva voiced croaked out softly, barely reaching a whisper. He didn't move, not even a stir. Biting her tongue from all the agony, she attempted to edge herself near him, to feel him breathing. But pain seared through her legs, as she let a tear slip down her face. He was there, unmoving. Her partner. It all happened so fast, and now they are here, in this godforsaken mess.

His hands were so near, but she can't grasp him.

Helplessness washed over her broken soul as she whispered fervently in hopes that her partner would respond. Her eyes never left his closed ones. Her heart shattered to see her love in such a weak state. So lifeless. She made a futile attempt to move her body violently to shake the piece of heavy metal off.

"Tony.. please.. say something. I won't lose you, I _can't_ lose... _you_._"_ Tears now coursed through the cuts that grazed her cheeks, as all her strength to fight left her slowly.

Still, he lay motionless without a word.

"Do not leave me. Don't, please don't.. please. I don't want to lose you..Ani ohevet otcha, Tony."

Ziva whispered brokenly, raging tears turning to sobs, confessing everything, she don't know why she said it but it was the truth. Maybe it was because they danced and she felt him. As in him. The way he looked into her eyes, and the way he acted as if it was just a _dance_ when they both knew it was much more than that. And in that fleeting moment - she realized she had real hard solid feelings for him. She loved him, the thought of losing him hurts so much she rather she died first. Somewhere along these eight years, she realized she fell in love with him. With this perfect being. It took such a tragedy for her mind to come to this.

But what if he's never heard her?

In the midst of the disaster, she realized that her hands are now touching his.

Touching his cold skin caked with blood, she no longer feels the warmth and love that ran through her the first time he did it. All she felt was hope leaving her life, as she faced insurmountable loss again.

Her fingers gained the strength to interlock with his.

His never did.

It just reminded her of Eli never returning her hug. Eli laying on the ground, motionless. Eli, never to be in her life again. Why isn't there anyone? Why isn't anyone helping them?

That was when she noticed.

A jagged piece of glass shard embedded deeply at Tony's side.

That was when she realized.

He's fading. Fast.

_He was fighting a losing battle if he hadn't already lost._


	3. I Want You

**A/N: Hi again! :)) I am really thinking that this might extend to five chapters ahaha :D Love all of your beautiful reviews! Keep reviewing! Thank you for reading.**

Ziva's heart couldn't handle the sight of Tony.

The sight of her partner leaving her.

The feel of his life, slowly slipping away through her fingertips.

Watching him _die_, was utter agony that singed her nerve endings.

Millions of memories of their partnership quickly flashed before her very eyes.

Memories of all the things they've been through together.

And the depressing thought that she might never experience it again. The chance to properly be together - was non existent. To tell everyone they are dating, to tell everyone that he's her beloved. Her fingers grasped tightly around his hand, maybe.. Just maybe he would feel her. She would dare say that he loved her too.

Why?

Why didn't she ever say what she really felt?

_Life's too short to not tell someone that you love them._

Pinned down by their tragic fate, she inched herself to be near him so that her hands could suppress the blood flow but the quick movement caused the large chunk of burnt metal to sink deeper into her legs, the extreme heat searing her flesh. She grabbed onto him and tried not to cry out in pain. Knowing that she could pass out from pain anytime, she desperately attempted to conjure her last words for him.

"Tony... You asked me..if I consider you to be in my life. Back then.. I wasn't sure of anything, after Somalia, I wasn't even sure if Ray and I could work it out. I.. didn't think that I was able to handle a relationship... With you. Or anyone else," Calming down and taking in deep breaths, she slowly continued on,

"But I do now. I do. I consider you to be in my.. life. I want you to be in my life. _I need you._ I was ...stupid I didn't confess earlier.. I..don't know if I would ever know if you feel the same way. It's true... Tony, I love you. Somewhere along these eight beautiful years we shared - I fell in love with you. Just.. Please.. Don't go. _Don't ever go..._" Once again, a flood of new tears coursed down the bridge of her nose. Feeling weak and helpless from all that has been taken. She was talking to a lifeless person, it was stupid but a small foolish part of her hoped that Tony heard her.

"I want to hold your hand again, to dance with you. I want you." Her heart slowly broke and fell into nothingness - She can't live without him. She has never confessed to anyone like this but this time it was different.

It was different because this was him.

It was Tony lying lifeless there.

It was them with no aid in a crash.

It was them, their newfound love, dying.

Barriers are torn down completely. If she lose Tony, she had lost hope.

And love.

_The ones who get too close, always end up dead._ The phrase she told Ducky rang vividly in her head. Tony wouldn't be in this state if it weren't for her. She should have known. _She should have had his back._ She did this atrocity to him and she can't forgive herself for it.

A lone tear separated from the rest, rolled down her cheek and onto Tony's bloodied hand.

In the dark never ending abyss Tony is trapped in, he gained the will to hang on to Ziva's silent cries. To hang on dearly to his lifeline.

His fingers twitched slightly.

But she felt her body slackening due to the pain and she closed her eyes. .

She never felt his fingers move or heard the sounds of blaring red and blue far away.


	4. Tony

**A/N: Hello everyone! I greatly greatly appreciate every single review and follow! :)) This chapter is a long one, sorry :p Please please review! One more chapter to go! **

When EMTs arrived at the scene, hope left their souls. It was a mess.

Pieces or metal and glass shards lay haphazardly everywhere. In the midst of the ugliness of it all, what was once a car was now is just mangled metal. They could briefly make out two people crushed beneath the metal that caved inwards.

_Chances of anyone surviving a disaster like that was close to zero._

Sighing in despair, they begin moving fast to free those two people.

What was in front of them shocked and yet, touched every single one of them.

The female had her fingers wrapped securely around the male's unmoving lifeless ones. _Both were injured but one wouldn't let go of the other._ She held on.

Tears sprang into all of their eyes witnessing a moment of true love. A newfound determination came over them to make sure that this couple make it alive. Tony was losing more and more blood every millisecond - In short, his chances of survival were negligible. He's still alive, hanging on by a thin thread. The EMTs realized that the situation isn't as bad as it looked, freeing them both would be easy. Hopes went up.

But there was one problem...

Ziva's fingers wouldn't let go of Tony's, making it impossible to tear them apart. Even when unconscious, she knew never to let go.

EMTs used all their strength to pry open their interlocking fingers, and Ziva murmured, "Please...don't..go.. stay with..me.." and a stray tear fell.

Time is running out, their fingers have to be torn apart by brute strength.

_They won't know if their hands will ever touch again._

* * *

_The vibrant music was playing... They were slowly dancing, his hand wrapped around hers, his arm resting lightly on her waist. She feels his warmth gushing through every part of her soul, the love. He stared into her deep brown, gorgeous eyes, wishing he could drown in them forever. Their steps quicken as the music did and so did their hearts. Swaying their bodies to the music - It was an out of the world experience only the two of them could appreciate. Looking into each other's eyes, eight years of love shining._

_They wanted to dance forever. To be in each other's arms, never letting go. Reality caved in as Ziva felt Tony slowly disappearing.. literally fading away. Mustering her will to grab on to him was fruitless, he's just disappearing before her very eyes. Panic kicked in as she danced faster and faster in hopes that he would return._

_"Tony..Tony.. don't go..Tony..."_

The hands holding her now... didn't feel like Tony's warm ones. They were rough, calloused. Yet they comforted her. Gradually, the room they were dancing in fell apart, to be replaced by clean white walls. Things came to a focus. The first thing she felt was a shock wave of agony to her thighs. Failing to control the overwhelming confusion and emotions, she failed to suck in a cry. Her hand was empty..._ Tony wasn't there. Tony's hands weren't with her._

'Tony!" Fully jolting out of her dream, she felt strong arms gently pinning her back down.

"Ssh.. Easy Ziver.. Easy." Gibbs cerulean blue eyes stared deep down into her frantic ones, as she tried to focus on his voice and make sense of her surroundings. "He's alive. Tony's alive." Gibbs said, giving her a small smile, but though his voice was edged with relief, it had a hint of despair in it. The life that just filled Ziva's brown eyes faded as soon as she detected that despair.

Words she confessed to Tony played in her head. Ani ohevet otcha, Tony. She wanted him to be awake, to hear her. Things shouldn't have turn out this way. It shouldn't.

"How bad...is he?" she managed to whisper out. Only Gibbs had the right to tell her.. Because she knew that he would be straight with her, he would never lie.

To hear his daughter being so weak, so worn out by every tragedy, Gibbs could feel tears forming but he held them back down, knowing that he needs to be strong for her. Her father figure, her anchor. He has to be honest about Tony, he knew that her life have been riddled with so much lies, the truth meant a lot. Tony, meant a lot to her.

Clenching his fists tight, Gibbs looked at Ziva's bandaged thighs, refusing to meet her gaze. "He..lost a lot of blood. Doctors won't know if he will ever wake up due to the extent of his injuries. I am sorry, Ziva. I am sorry."

Stifling a cry, Ziva turned her aching body to the side as constant wet tears streamed down her beautiful face, non-stop. Gibbs placed his hand on her back in a futile attempt to comfort his daughter. Her heart broke at the news. She needed him. He's alive but the thought of him laying there, him with his eyes closed forever - it was too much to take in. Too much for her fragile heart to handle. She needs to feel him. That drove her to push herself of the hospital bed, only to find herself crumpling onto the floor, sobbing in physical and emotional pain.

"Ziva!" Shocked by her sudden movement, he moved quickly to aid her. But she refused his help, wanting to get up herself.

_"All .. I want.. is to feel him. Is that too much to ask?"_ She said raggedly, unable to control the sobs that kept on coming.

Her legs, they weren't in any state to walk now. Burnt by metal, crushed by metal, she needs two months to even begin to walk properly. Gibbs intends to be there every way for her, but Tony is in the ICU. In isolation. No visitors. But Ziva... Mentally head-slapping himself, he is about to break hospital rules. Anything for Ziver.

_Nothing is going to stop her from seeing Tony._ Even if he tried to keep her, she would tear herself inside out.

Her mind just keep going back to the last 10 seconds their hands held.

Nothing else seems to matter.

_Then I should catch her before she leaves. You know, I'll thank her._

He wanted her the way she is. Broken by life,by family, he is thanking Orly for her. For fate to allow them to have the chance to be together. To love each other. To see it all go away, it kills her from deep within. It kills her.

Gibbs placed Ziva's left arm around his neck, supporting her on the waist as well, and used all his strength to carry her to a wheelchair. "Easy.. Ziver.. Easy." he kept on chanting softly.

"Thank you, Gibbs." A genuine smile lit up across her bruised face, thankful that she has Gibbs in her life.

"Anything for you, Ziver. We'll get there." He replied back, glad that she smiled despite her circumstance.

Gibbs used his badge to bypass nurses, as he wheeled Ziva into Tony's ward. Various tubes were running through him. This isn't the Tony she knew. The Tony who jokes and the Tony who was there for her. He was just so.. still. So pale. _So weak._ His skin pallor was grey, akin to that of a dying man. No, this isn't the way she wanted to see Tony. She turned away as new tears threatened to break through. Gibbs wheeled her closer to her love as she slowly extended her fingers to touch his pale face. _She ran through every ridge, every line, every scar on it._ Feeling him so cold, her heart shattered slowly and painfully. The wheelchair was being the divide between her and her beloved lying there.

_She wanted to be by his side._

"Gibbs..." she croaked out softly, her voice breaking, _"I want.. to lie beside him, please.."_ This time, tears raged down her face, as her body shook in pain. He never said a word. Instead, he used his two arms to lift Ziva up from her wheelchair, and laid her gently beside Tony. Feeling herself so close to the man she loved, she whispered achingly into his ear as if he's the only one meant to hear, _"I love you, Tony. Wake up."_ She repeated it over and over, the tears falling harder and harder with each time she said it. Leaning over closer, she wrapped one arm across his chest, loving the rise and fall of it. A tear ran down Gibbs' face. He heard Ziva, he heard her confession. They loved each other all along, and Rule 12 was an exception to them both.

Gibbs stood over them as he watch Ziva sobbing quietly.. sobbing the pain away.

She cried herself to sleep, beside a motionless Tony, wondering why it wasn't her lying there. Wondering why all this have to happen.

Hanging on by a thread ready to break, and exhaustion, Ziva fell slowly asleep, her arm never leaving Tony's chest.


	5. Hope

**A/N: Hey guys I am back again :)) Thank you for all your follows and reviews, I really appreciate all of them! They mean a whole lot to me. I have a feeling that it will not be just five or six chapters, simply because there is so much one can talk about Tiva. So this story is currently "in-progress". There is no saying when it will end! :)) Please please review! Thank you!**

* * *

_"They are playing our song, Sweet cheeks."_

It has been five days since Tony lay still on his hospital bed.

Five days Gibbs unfailingly wheeled Ziva into Tony's ward, watching her caress his hair over and over.

Five days the NCIS team were wracked with grief.

Five days Ziva laid beside him and cried herself to sleep.

Five days.

She was losing hope. She wanted so badly to believe in that he will come around. But the tragedies that filled her life told her otherwise. She needs control, control over her ,she couldn't stop Tony from getting hurt, she couldn't stop Bodnar, she couldn't stop the people she loved from getting burned. They always end up hurt because of her. Lying beside the perfect soul, she whispered achingly,_ "Tony.. I am sorry. I am. I should have had your back. But I failed. I failed you, Tony."_, as her right hand reached for Tony's left hand, and she wrapped her bruised fingers around his motionless ones._ 'Come back to me. Come back and be with me. It's stupid, I don't know anything anymore. I love you.. Just come back, will you?"_ she added on softly, pulling her body close to his.

Mcgee, who stood outside Tony's ward, let a tear slip down his face. It pains him to see Ziva lying beside Tony like that, he knew she never confessed to Tony about her feelings and he knew she was now beating herself up for it. He wanted to help so much, but he has no idea how. Shaking his head in despair, he walked away, his footsteps drowned by the bustle of the hospital. Gibbs stood over the couple, silent as always. He refused to allow Ziva to feel all battered up because of nothing.

'Ziver... everything that happened, it wasn't your fault. It was never your fault to begin with. Bodnar killed your father of his own accord, Bodnar hurt Tony of his own accord. Despite everything, you know that it meant a lot for Tony to be with you in Berlin. And you know that that bringing Tony with you was the right choice. You know."

Turning her face away from the comfort of Tony, Ziva looked at Gibbs, refusing to believe what he said. But if Tony hadn't been to Berlin...

"If Tony hadn't been to Berlin, all those moments you two probably shared wouldn't have existed." Struck by the truth of Gibbs' statement, her eyes widened in shock.

"I know. I know you two danced. He told me. He was really happy that the first woman he danced with was you." He added on quietly, flashing back.

* * *

_"Hey boss, I danced with her." His voice filled with the novelty of it all._

_"Who?" Gibbs asked, a little annoyed by Tony calling him over such a minor thing. Yet another woman he supposed._

_"Ziva. I danced with Ziva. I don't know but it was beautiful. It was beautiful to dance with a woman as unique as her,I am glad my first dance with a woman was her."_

_"You asking my permission, DiNozzo? From the looks of it, you are calling to see what I have to say."_

_"Um.. yeah?" Fear seeped into Tony's voice, afraid that he had done the wrong thing._

_"Make her happy." with that implicit approval, Gibbs hung up like he always did._

* * *

Back to the present, a tear now leaked from Ziva's eye as she turned to face Tony once more, her voice dropping to a low whisper, "You could have asked for a dance anytime,Tony. You could have asked." The thing is, they held back. They had always held back in fear of getting hurt and losing one another.

Once again, burying herself in the crook of his neck, this time a little smile forming as Berlin was fruitful. They shared a dance. They shared a song. _They shared something so beautiful, nothing could take it away._ Not even Bodnar. She sought comfort in knowing that she was the first woman he danced with.

_And the painful reminder that she might be the last._

Somehow her pleas reached the inner core of Tony, though he was still held back by darkness, pinned down by a heavyweight, he managed to feel his love in his hand.

And he managed to interlock his fingers with hers. But the strength that came as quickly as it did, left quickly and his hands went back to being slack. It was exactly 10 seconds again. Ziva took a moment to register what she had just felt, her eyes never leaving Tony's closed ones. She didn't dream it up, she was sure. but yet, maybe her desire to feel Tony caused her to imagine it. No, she needs to believe that it was real.

Because, if she doesn't, what hope does Tony have, if she couldn't hope for _it_ herself?

"Gibbs... he responded. Tony, he held my hand. But it's gone now." Joy filled her deep brown eyes, but diminished when she realized that that moment is gone. She wanted it to last forever.

'He hears you, Ziva. He does." Gibbs offered his quiet reassurance, knowing that it is what Ziva needed to hear at the moment.

Smiling, she told Tony, a newfound determination in her voice.

"I know you hear me. So just hang on to my voice. Hang on to me. Just... remember the 10 seconds we shared. Here, or back in that car. Just remember that.. I can't live without you."

In the abyss Tony is swimming in, he heard Ziva. And he knew never to let go of her.

Because, he loves her too. He wants to live to say that, he wants to live _to kiss her_, tell her it's all going to be okay.

_The love between both of them, gave them strength, the strength to heal._


	6. Realisation

**A/N: Hi everyone :D A massive thank you to all that reviewed or followed! This is not the end! :)) I hope you enjoy this chapter! I try my best to update as soon as possible :) Please please review! ~ Sharmane **

* * *

Tony showed no other improvement other than the tiny response he gave Ziva. Days went by slowly, albeit painfully and the team gradually learnt to cope with an agent down. They weren't any better, but they are coping to the best of their abilities. The day was plain, boring and solemn. No one smiled. No one laughed. No one said a word. They did their job and went home, or visited Ziva every now and then, who is still recuperating her at the hospital. Gibbs remained the same, stoic as ever. He tried so hard to be there for everyone, to be their rock. In the process, he neglected what he truly felt. Sad.

However, Ziva was wildly different from the rest of them.

And that scared the hell out of Gibbs. The team didn't notice the huge change in Ziva, but rather accepted the way things had turned out to be.

Ziva... she was too happy. Too happy to be true. After the small incident in Tony's ward, she changed. She had hope, lots of it. Everyday, she trained hard to regain the use of her legs, she trained hard for Tony.

_She wanted to be whole for Tony._

He was her only motivation to live and to be determined with every step she took. Everyday, she wheeled herself to Tony's room and recounted the little moments they shared along their eight years of partnership.

Gibbs remembered hearing her softly cooing to Tony, holding his hand for exactly five hours. She truly believed that he will wake up and refused to accept otherwise.

That was what that worried Gibbs majorly.

He was afraid that, her over-happiness serves as a facade to hide a much darker truth, a truth Ziva cannot come to terms with.

_The truth that Tony might never wake up. _

He needed for Ziva to accept the truth. He needed her to cope. He knows that Ziva isn't coping any better, she's just masking away all the hurt and believing that everything is fine. Tony is fine. Yet, the sheer grief of hers caused her to push away that fact, and create a false barrier of happiness.

And if the happiness were ever to be torn by the truth, Ziva will never be able to pick up the pieces.

Ziva will never recover - emotionally.

_Tony was Ziva David's breaking point._

It devastates Gibbs to see Ziva turn out this way. Under that big bubble of new confidence, _she is really just afraid of losing Tony._ So afraid that she hid that fact away. This new bubble of hers is so much worse than her old one. This bubble may shatter any moment when Ziva realizes that Tony might never wake up.

Once again, Gibbs is left at the sidelines, not knowing how to help his daughter. The only way that she can recover is that Tony wakes up. His mind drifted to the day Tony held Ziva's hand.

"Hey Gibbs? I am going to fight. I am going to find Bodnar, no matter what._ I want to be able to move so that I can dance with Tony again_, to hold him in my arms. I want to do that." A huge smile was plastered on her face, and the innocence lining her voice broke his heart.

_All she ever wanted was a chance with Tony, to love someone._

_A chance destroyed by that crash._

And now, she is not fine. It was great that the motivation kept her running, but it was the repercussions of that motivation he feared.

* * *

It has been two weeks since Tony was in a coma. Ziva wheeled herself to Tony's room, every night now, not wanting to bother Gibbs. But he followed her anyway.

_She told him parts of their story._

_"Hey Tony..my little hairy butt. It has been.. two weeks you have been sleeping and I truly want you to wake up. You have been asleep too long. But you will come round. I know you will. I have faith in you." Once again, from the wheelchair she was confined in, her both of her hands reached to cup his._

_"I remember.. Berlin. I never thanked you for Berlin. I never thanked you for healing me_. I am thanking you now. The moment we danced was the moment I knew, _you deserved my love._ I thought of my father, how we used to dance before he left for work and I never knew if he is ever going make it back. I was kept in the dark. But you are different. Because...in my heart, I am sure that you are always going to be there for me. _I am trying, Tony. I am trying to regain the use of my legs, because of you. I want to be whole for you. I want to mean the world to you when you open your eyes. Because.. Ani ohevet otcha, Tony."_ With that, she tried pushing herself to be closer to him, but the searing pain that shot through her thighs made it impossible. Her back slammed back onto her wheelchair, as she held back tears from the pain of not being able to touch Tony.

She didn't want Gibbs' help. It was something she needed to try on her own. And Gibbs respected that. The pain reminded her that she lost control. To regain it, she needs to do it herself. It was a stubborn logic she went by. Tony will wake up. He will. She can't accept that he won't.

_Simply because, she rather she die than Tony never waking up again._

It has been two weeks since the accident and Ziva can finally be discharged. Although she still needs to go for therapy for her legs, she is physically out of the clear. Gibbs insisted to bring Ziva home in with him but she denied firmly, not wanting to be anyone's burden. So he drove her back to her apartment and told her to call him if she needed anything, even a hug. Wheeling herself in, a pang of sadness came over her.

It felt empty. As if no one lived here. Her whole apartment lacked someone.

_Tony._

Passing by her room, her heart constricted as she saw Tony's imprint on the side of her bed. It's still there. Slowly, she noticed more things Tony left behind, and a wave of tears came rolling down. The silence of her apartment resonated throughout the walls and her heart. His shoes were messily placed by the side of her door, his sleeping shoes. The ones that were all furry and comfy. Sometimes he let her wear it to sleep if she felt cold. His shirt was still hung over her couch. She literally spent most of her days with him, chatting till the wee hours of the morning, or late at night. She was so used to him. His scent lingered strongly in her apartment, it was almost as if he's there with her_. All the times they laughed at a movie, all the times she rested her head on his shoulder on the couch, all the times he held her if her day was bad. All these memories she might never relive again._ She can't accept the fact that he might be gone forever, yet the truth came closer and closer every passing minute. Ziva thought that she had hopes, loads of it. But this.. this place just reminded her that Tony is real, Tony never waking up is real.

_Reality is antagonizing._

Life without Tony, was unimaginable. She wanted him to wake up, needed him to. Or she can never recover. She couldn't even stand to be here now, it reminded her so much of Tony. _How much she needed him. The night before Berlin, it was special._ It was the day he slept beside her, on her bed. They held hands and fell asleep. It hurts too much to think about it. Ziva can't bear going on another day without Tony's presence.

All she wants to see hold him, to have him cuddle her back.

_She wants their movie nights, the way he puts his arms casually around her and they pretended not to notice._

_She wants the nights he slept beside her, keeping the nightmares of Eli's death out._

_She wants the days they flirted in the squadroom, as if the world isn't watching._

_She wants him._

Confronting the harsh reality, she wants him. The truth cut her like a sharp knife as reality sank in, Tony might never be able to do those things again. He might never be able to say "I love you" back. Even if he didn't, she just wants to see him, grinning foolishly at her. As the horrible truth caved in, her world is now an empty void, a void without Tony. Looking over at the unmade bed, she visualized Tony lying there, his four limbs sprawled across. Her "happiness" barrier just crashed, leaving her soul bare.

_Oh god, she wants him._

**A/N: Hang on, guys. :)) Tony will be awake... soon. Or... Thank you for reading! Please review! :)**


	7. Remembrance

**A/N: I thank everyone immensely for all your kind reviews! They mean alot to me. :) Hope you all enjoy this chapter! Thank you for reading and please please review!**

* * *

Ziva couldn't even tolerate to look around at her apartment now. Everything.. screamed _Tony._

Her home was supposed to be all her. _But it's all him._

And only him.

The signs of him were so prominent, it's almost as if he is physically there with her. It feels as if her door might burst open, Tony will be grinning happily, a pizza in one hand and coffee in the other.

That might not exist now.

Another moment she might never have again. It was not she knew that she can't take every step of the partnership for granted. The littlest moments meant so much.

Her life used to revolve around her.

_But with Tony, her world spun a little faster._

He changed her. With every warm touch, every word, he changed_ her._ And she wouldn't trade him for the world. He couldn't leave her alone now.. could he? They had just gotten to a new phase of their relationship.

_Baring their souls. Open book. Telling each other things, things that matter._

But the disaster took it all away. Ziva can't deal with any more losses, not with the ones she loved. To think about him, it rips her heart out. Ziva David cried, her body doubled over, her hands covering her tear-streaked face. No one can see her pain, the hurt. Just her in absolute solace.

Maybe it's time to accept the truth that Tony might never wake up.

Maybe it's time she try to move on. For Tony, for her, for their love's sake. It has been two weeks and frankly, Ziva isn't sure about how much more she can take.

So many words, left unsaid. So many things she regretted not doing with him.

If she could let it go, start all over, she would gently caress her lips over his, she would tell him that she loved him. She would wrap her arms around his muscular body and take in every essence of him. And they will just hold each as if it is the only thing meaningful in the world. She would snuggle close to him, remember every inch of him.

_Her life meant nothing without Tony._

Somehow, he broke and tore past her walls, somehow he made her fall deeply in love with him. So much it hurts.

It took her a tragedy. It took her a tragedy to confess.

_"I'm tired of pretending."_

Back then, they didn't know where exactly they stood in their relationship. She does now. She's tired of not being brutally honest with her feelings.

_It's time to be honest with herself._

Now she wants to see him. Comatose or not, she needs to see him. Only then, the pain will dim. Picking up her phone, she dialled for Gibbs, feeling sorry that he has to accommodate to her needs. But he's the only one other than Tony whom she will confide in fully.

"Gibbs? I want... _to see him._" She croaked out softly, as another tear escaped. Her hearts ached for Tony.

Gibbs sighed, knowing that this, all of this came down the hardest on Ziva. "Will be there in five, Ziver." He quickly replied, running out of his door within seconds.

Ziva slowly put down her phone, sniffing in the tears as she tried to look strong for Tony. Heaving in a deep breath, she gripped her wheels tightly for support and waited for Gibbs.

* * *

She look across at a sleeping Tony, sucking in a ragged breath as she held his hand once more. Staring at his lips, she realized that... She wants to kiss him. The urge to do it was so overwhelming it hurts, because she knew she can't. _She can't reach him._

"Hey Tony.. I..uh.. miss _you._" She searched for the right words to say. Grasping his hand tighter, she continued, "I am tired of _pretending._ Pretending that you will be awake. I am not losing hope, Tony. I am trying to cope with the pain.. Because I know it kills you to see me scared. I am scared, I am scared that _we can't kiss each other for one last time._ I am scared that _we will never get to hold each other's hands again_. I am scared that.. _this is goodbye._ You and I... we have been through things people can't imagine. _That's why our love is invulnerable to space and time._ Bodnar _can't tear us apart,_ Tony. No one can. Other than us. Which leaves me._ I... just want you to open your eyes. Just for 10 seconds.. look at me._ I..can't go on everyday without you by my side, I can't go on.. knowing that you're here and I am there. It hurts to be apart. It hurts so much sometimes I wish I was dead." Tears fell harder and harder with every word.

There, the truth of it all. Her soul is now bare and empty. She moved her fingers through his hair and used her thumb to gently circle his palm. this time, it was her who memorized every inch of his face. His long eyelashes, his rough skin, his stubborn jaw, it's all him._ Her world.. it's all him._ And now that's he gone... it's just wrong. It's just feels wrong.

_It's all wrong._

_How can she be whole for Tony if he's a part of her?_

_She's not whole without him._

She's broken without him.

Eight years will just flash before her eyes and she will remember that Tony.. made her who she was today.

And just as she was about to leave, she felt it again.

The return of her grip. Shaking her head in disbelief, she looked at Tony and her hand again. There it was, his fingers interlocking with hers.

He was coming round. His head shook slightly, as he bolted upright, breaking off their hands. Gibbs, who stood over them immediately called the doctors.

But three words that he couldn't make sense of kept repeating in his mind..He couldn't grasp who said it, he didn't know who. But it was carved in his confused mind, repeating over and over.

_I love you, Tony. _

_I love you, Tony. _

_I love you, Tony._

_"Tony?"_ Ziva gasped, her hands hesitantly reaching for him, to hold his hand again to calm him.

Tony instinctively matched the unknown voice to this woman in front of him, this woman in a wheelchair. Who is she and where is he? Then he saw a male doctor and a old man pinning him down, "I am Doctor Brad, calm down. You are in a hospital after a car crash. Do you remember?" Tony couldn't fit the pieces.. car crash? He searched his mind frantically for memories.. any form of them.

_He can't remember._

He remembered _nothing._

Calming down, he looked at the woman who was still suffering shock from all of this.

She saw it in his eyes. Saw the unfamiliarity. It was then _she knew._

_He can't remember her._

In the sea of doctors and nurses, Ziva slowly wheeled herself out, as tears endlessly fell. This time the tears won't stop. She doubt they ever will.

**A/N: Don't give up so soon guys! Because.. it will get better. Trust me on this one :) Thank you for reading! Keep the reviews going!**


	8. More Than Partners

**A/N: I am truly honored for all those reviews and follows! They are sincerely appreciated and loved. Every single one of them. Thank you for staying the whole way! :) Keep the reviews going! Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

**And to answer Olivia's question: Haha in the show, that's what Gibbs call her. Hope that answers it!**

* * *

She saw it in his eyes. Saw the unfamiliarity. It was then she _knew._

He can't remember her.

* * *

Ziva don't even know what to feel right now. Everything is just... _bad_. And she wants the good back. Hiding in a lone corner of a stairwell, all Ziva felt was pain. It is pain beyond pain.

Eight years. Those memories - _Gone._ The hole in her heart was beating her up and it will never heal. So long as her love remains like that, she will never heal. What she saw in his eyes, he wasn't Tony. He wasn't her Tony. He's just.. _a man._ Without any recollection of their love. That realization sliced through her already broken soul, as she questions herself,_ why._

_She, _of all people. She was forgotten by the one person she loved the most. She was _his partner_, and she can't be wiped away. She can't. To think that Tony will never remember the times they shared, those sacred times, it kills her.

Ziva couldn't bring herself to do anything right now. All she can do now is suffer in this never-ending silence, in the injustice of it all.

When she lost Eli, her world fell apart, it just crashed. But at least she had Tony. In the midst of the pain, agony, the hurt, _she had Tony._ She had someone to live for, she had her love to hang on to. Yet now... it all came down to the fact that, she's alone.

She wanted more than anything for him to wake up. Nights she spent with him in the hospital, she wanted him to open his eyes, and tell her that he loved her too.

Now she wasn't sure if she wanted Tony to wake up at all.

Well, if her world spun a little faster with Tony, it had ceased to spin. It had ceased to be anything, in fact. Tony coloured her world, he made her happier than she ever could be yet now, he's the cause of her pain.

Ziva wants Tony back. _Her Tony._ The Tony she fell in love with.

The metal door to the stairwell, slowly opened revealing a tired, worn-out Gibbs. Her hands that were shaking from the agony immediately gripped her wheelchair as she tried to stop the trembling. Pursing her lips tight, she looked at Gibbs, her eyes sunken. She has_ nothing_ to live for now. Why even try?

Her hands didn't go unnoticed by Gibbs.

"I'm fi-" Her overused statement was cut off by her boss as he slowly kneeled down, in front of her as he said something she hadn't expected. Not now.

"I am truly sorry, Ziver." His hands lightly touch her fingertips, those fingers that were grabbing the wheelchair.

This is the legendary Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Kneeling. She mouth went agape slightly, as the next tragic news will shake her whole world.

"Ziver.. I am sorry. I am sorry, that all this have to happen to you. I am sorry, as your boss, _I let you down._ Remember, I let you and Tony down. I know that he meant alot to _you_.. and you meant alot to _him_. He.. doesn't remember most of his life. Just his name and maybe some scraps here and there. _NCIS doesn't exist for him._" He closed his eyes momentarily as he lightly shook his head and waited for the tragic news to sink in.

His team was messed with time and time again. Time and time again, they fought against the odds. But now, this obstacle he doubt they can cross. Bodnar hurt his family.

Ziva was lost in eight years of love.

_NCIS didn't exist for him._

_Berlin didn't exist._

_Somalia didn't exist._

_All those times spent in bathrooms, having brutally honest conversations - They didn't exist._

_The worst of all is that, 10 seconds didn't exist._

The time they interlocked their fingers, it was a _silent confession of love._

It didn't exist.

_It didn't exist._

_Ziva David didn't exist in Tony's world anymore._

That fact hurt her more than anything else. She can't possibly imagine the pain Gibbs' must feel. They were father and son, their relationship one of family. They have known and saved each other for more than 10 years.

Her facial expression was just blank, as tears fell continuously. She cannot fathom the fact that they lost Berlin.

_That they lost everything._

"Ziver... I believe that eight years.. can't be undone that easily. You two are partners. More than partners. And partners... they don't give up on each other. They never do." His blues eyes pierced into her empty ones, as he searched for a sign of Ziva.

Gradually, her focus came onto Gibbs. He's right. Yet, she doesn't know how to go on, how to help Tony and herself. Gibbs stood up, knowing what Tony and Ziva needed was to see each other. It was the first step to salvaging everything, despite the pain.

Wheeling her to Tony's ward, he left her there, as this was something they needed to do themselves.

Tony stared blankly at Ziva. He was confused as hell, angry that he couldn't remember. Everyone expected him to remember and well, he can't. Why is this so hard? And this woman, is just looking at him with the most sorrowful face one could ever see. Apparently he worked at Naval Criminal Investigative Service? What was that in the first place, he can't figure. He is also a cop, a cop with a gun. Gun? He has never held a gun and he wasn't about to. But this woman across him, makes his heart flutter. There was just something about her.. he couldn't quite place.

She's important, he knew that she was someone important. His heart told him that. Her voice saying _"I love you, Tony."_ wouldn't get out of his mind. He wasn't about tell her.

"Who was I to you?" He asked. The look she gave him was a deadly glare with sadness in it, and he knew that was the wrong question.

Ziva's heart died a little more when she heard that. He wasn't supposed to ask that. _I am your partner, I am the woman you love, the woman you held hands with, the woman you spent nights with. I am your Ziva, Tony. How can you forget? How can you?_ These thoughts ran through her mind, these words she wanted to say to him so badly but she held back.

Because he wasn't Tony. And he didn't deserve her love. She loved him still, that wouldn't change but he didn't deserve a "I love you" now. Part of her hoped that he can remember.

"Your partner at NCIS. Your partner for eight years. " She replied curtly, glaring at him.

It wasn't the memory they both lost. It was the love, the special love they shared that was _ripped beyond repair._ There _wasn't even chemistry_ between them now. They had it when the first met. This was a new meeting all over again, except this was far _worse_, far beyond help.

Eight years. Eight years he can't even remember. And instinctively he wanted to reach and hold those hands of hers and tell her that he's sorry. That's he's guilty. He made a woman who shared with him eight years, to be reduced to _nothing_ at all. That instinct was newfound, almost natural. And then he wondered if he was good to her.

"What was I like?" He inquired softly, not wanting to further hurt someone else.

That was a question Ziva can't answer. Simply because Tony to her was different than the Tony to everyone else. Tony to her was a sweet loving man who knew his and her boundaries, he knew not to push so far, he knew the right places to touch her, the right places to make her feel again. To everyone else, he is also the funny joker who injected levity into an otherwise somber situation. And he was one hell of an agent. She feels sorry for him, he is literally starting from scratch, picking up the pieces. He knew nothing.

"You.. are funny and sweet at times. You're a good person." She replied back and wheeled herself nearer towards him.

_You're a good person. _

This sentence, it weighed heavily in his mind, as if he has heard it before but yet once again, he couldn't quite place it. He couldn't quite place who said it or when. It was driving him crazy.

He gave her a smile. "Glad that I was a good person." And his hands reached to touch hers briefly and he broke contact. Ziva felt warmth rush through her veins as her heart beat faster. It almost as if, they were on their first date.

It was so good to _hear_ him talk again, despite the fact that he can't remember. It was so good to _feel_ him again, despite everything. This, she decided, was priceless. She grinned back, for the first time in ages, with some happiness. They are starting over again. They are letting go and starting over again. And her world that ceased to spin, spun a little because of hope.

Yes, Ziva David was more than just partners with Tony.

_And she wasn't about to give up on him._

**A/N: Haha I told you that it would get better :) Hang on again, and please review! - Sharmane **


	9. Letting Go, Starting Over

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and follows! They are wonderful and I appreciate every single one of them! :) "High Hopes" by Kodaline is my inspiration for this chapter! :) It's inspired for my friends Steph and Andi. You guys can listen to it while reading too if you want too. :D Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Keep the reviews going on! **

* * *

It _hurts._ It hurts to see him so close to her, but not being able to see her Tony in this man. Glimpses of their love played on and on in her head, those memories of them ached more and more.

Because, all that's _left_ is her.

All these memories, only _she_ remembers them. They can't be shared between them anymore. Simply because, the love they once had, was torn by this disaster. It was eight years, eights years for them to make it this far, and to see these eight years succumbing to _nothing,_ it hurts. She won't give up on Tony, but the first step to salvaging their partnership was hard.

_Simply because there was nothing left to salvage._

_No love to begin with, no chemistry to start with, no Tony._

They were literally starting from scratch, Tony and Ziva were going back to _nothing_ at all. Ziva remembered him, the times he smiled her, the times he comforted her, but this Tony didn't.

And these memories, even though they will stay with her forever, they meant nothing without her beloved. Just false pretences she held on to.

_Her_ Tony is gone, and holding on to these memories was as close as she can get to _her Tony._

These moments they shared, were the only evidence of her Tony _existing at all._

* * *

He knew her name was Ziva from the nurse. And he wanted to say her name. It had a nice tone to it. There was just.. something about her. Something that make his heart skip a beat, something that surprisingly makes me guilty for not remembering. She has that far off look, and he wants to bring her back to the present. The urge to protect her, to make her happy was so overwhelming. Yet, he doesn't recall who she is, he doesn't have the slightest idea how is she like.

It's just this nagging feeling that wouldn't go. It's a part of him... Whoever he is. He wants to remember Ziva. But the chances of it happening, was close to zero.

She must have _meant_ something to him.

And he knew, he trashed that away by losing his memory.

"Ziva." He spoke quietly, but he caught that lone tear that ran down her cheek. She caught him looking and wipe it away, regaining her composure. He saw that it pained her to move her body, those legs. He couldn't help but look at the bandages that covered it, and the agony she went through.

"Did.. that happen in the crash?" He prodded lightly, not wanting to bring up bad memories, if only he wasn't the cause of her pain.

Her soulless eyes matched his vibrant ones as she whispered and sighed, "Yes. But you_ don't remember._" The last sentence stabbed him with immense guilt. The sad yet frustrated tone she placed in the sentence, made him realize, she wanted so badly for him to remember. The crash, it was important to her. To _them_. Somehow, he can see right through her eyes, her posture, as if he has done it all his life. Like she was _his soulmate._ Except he has no clue who she is.

"Tony... We will get through this. It is hard on me, hard on you as well. But we can take a first step towards recovery. We can. I am going to be honest. _It_ _hurts_ to see you looking at me as if I am a stranger. It _hurts_ to see you, and see the _memories we shared,_ _lost._ But in the end, we were_ partners._ Still _are._ _All I'm asking_ for is for you to help us too." Another tear escaped, as once again them _dancing,_ swaying to the music as their hearts beat as one, flashed in her mind.

_It was one last beautiful memory they shared._

She has this deep burning desire to dance with him again. She knows that she doesn't _exist_ in his heart.

But she wants to start _existing. _

To start to be a part of him.

Ziva just needs to dance with Tony again, she has to. Frankly, she planned to regain the strength of her legs before doing so, planned that Tony might wake up - And the first thing they will do is dance. It was all _perfect._ But now.. It's different now. Physically, he's still Tony. And she just needs to feel him again, despite everything.

_*High Hopes on play*_

"Can.. you dance with me? I know it sounds weird.. But it was one of the _last_ things we did.. before that. We danced. To our song. We have a song." Ziva said slowly, hoping that Tony would comply to such an intimate request, since he didn't know her.

His eyes widened, and his heart said yes. It's the least he could do, for her. To mend this woman's broken heart. But her legs...his pupils travelled down to those bandages.

"It is fine. I want to do this. Support me." She said simply, as Tony walked towards her carefully, and lifted her with all the strength he could. She wobbled initially but she grabbed on to him tightly, determined to make this work. Surprisingly, her legs supported her well enough. Using her phone, she played the song they danced to. This song that describes their love.

Looking into his soul, Ziva thought that she caught a glimpse of her Tony, staring back at her. But it was gone the moment it came. Gradually, they gained the momentum, the feel of it all. This was new. It was a _new_ beginning for both of them. As bad as it sounds, it was pure. Pure innocence of nothing. They are both starting from nothing.

_They were letting go, they were starting all over. _

Ziva pressed her body _close_ to Tony's, putting her weight on him. Their hands intertwined, Tony's other hand wrapped firmly around her waist, giving her the strength to move her feet. They started slow, moving in sync with the music, as their hearts slowed to beat as _one._ Ziva winced in pain, but continued on, reason being that feeling him again made her pain lesser, it felt good. They gently swayed to the music in the hospital room, oblivious to the curious stares outside.

Tony, never said a word. He knew this meant a great deal to her, it was supposed to mean a great deal to him too. He wanted it to mean something. Maybe, it was the start of something new. _They were letting go, starting over_. This is where they will start.

_"I do not know when I'll be back."_

Eli's words rang in her mind, she didn't know when her Tony will be back either. He could very well, _never_ come back.

_"Act like you're just with me."_

She didn't need to act. She _is_ with him. But she knew he wasn't. It was something she wanted,_ not him._ This dance... _meant nothing_ to him. To her, it was how far they have come. To him, it was just.. a dance to appease her. She knew. But she just had to move with him again. She was just satisfied to feel him in her arms, because then, nothing else _mattered_ but them. She was lost in his dreamy eyes, and her heart ached for_ his to be lost in hers._

It was their love that was _ripped away._

Berlin, it was all she has left of that one dance that changed Tony and her forever. That one dance, they knew they deserved each other's _love_. Back there, the world melted away as only they remained, lost in another place of their own. A place where only their love existed.

_Memories left them far too soon. _

The pace of the song went faster and they tried to move faster to the song. Yes, Tony left her far too soon, so soon she couldn't grab hold of him fast enough. She couldn't confess to him with his eyes opened. _I want to mean the world to you when you open your eyes._ Her very own words haunted her, she meant nothing much to him right now other than a woman needy of love.

But she was determined to _mean something to him now._

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! And please review! - Sharmane**


	10. It's Just Her

**A/N: Hello guys! Sorry for the late update but I have exams coming and I am extremely busy so I hope you will forgive me :P So the next update may be really delayed but I will definitely try to be faster. Maybe after this week :) Hope you enjoy this chapter and keep the reviews going! I really appreciate from the bottom of my heart for all your reviews and follows!**

**And by the way, I listened to the Aliyah soundtrack for one of the scenes I wrote here and maybe you could too, I will tell you when. :)**

* * *

The song slowly came to an end, their footsteps gradually coming to a stop as well. Tony's arms were firmly placed around Ziva's waist, and her hand intertwined with his other hand. Finger interlocking tightly. They stood in that position, transfixed.

It lasted _more_ than _10 seconds._

Ziva was eternally grateful to be able to do something, anything with Tony again. But a pang of sadness dwelled in her soul as she saw _nothing_ in his eyes. Nothing to remind her of her Tony in Berlin. She saw.. awe, but it was different. It wasn't love. In Berlin, she saw and felt love. She should have expected that, given his memory, but still, it hurts. It hurts to know their dance will never be as _perfect_ as Berlin. Never to be just as right, just as loving.

Tony looked into her eyes and saw love, and pain embedded in them. He hated to see her like that. He had only "known" her for half an hour and he felt as if he knew her better than anyone else. Maybe they were really close together. He tried to remember. The moment he woke up, he was so confused, lost. He searched hard for any form of a memory and remembered nothing other than his name, maybe his high school. He don't even know who he really is. The dance.. meant nothing much to him and that was the truth. It didn't mean as much to him as it did to Ziva.

But Ziva somewhat gave him an identity, he knew he meant a lot to someone. Her. He meant a great deal to her, he was a good person, an agent who kills the bad. And something about her makes him want to remember. He doesn't mind being close to her at all. Ironic, given the fact she was still, a stranger.

Still, his whole life was basically empty with no one in it.

He could feel Ziva getting tired, so he gently placed her back onto her wheelchair. She heaved a sigh of relief, exhausted from the dance. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed feeling him in her arms, she enjoyed his arms on her waist. She was glad he healed a tiny part of her broken soul. However, she yearned to see _her_ Tony in his eyes. It wasn't his fault, they both struggle when they see each other. She wanted the dance to mean something to him, maybe it did. It was terribly selfish for her to expect that from him. She wants so _much_ from him, and all he wants is his memories.

Deep down, she knew it meant nothing to him but she needed to hear it from him.

"Did _it mean_ anything?" She asked softly, looking down at her fingers, not giving him any eye contact.

Tony just stood and looked at her, not sure of what to say. The _truth_, will hurt her though he strongly sensed that she knew it from the very beginning, but she went on to dance with him.

'No." She faced him and her eyes fell. At least it's true. She shouldn't be so hasty in wanting her Tony back.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact _they loved for eight years._ She wants those eight years back.

"But I am glad we danced." He gave her a small smile and reached for her hand and briefly held it.

"I know I am not the guy I was, I know it hurts. It hurts me too. I don't even mind being close with you, for some reason. I don't even know you but I know you had a special place in my heart - we were _close_ weren't we?" He said, now seeing that her dark eyes have some hope in it.

"Yes, we _were."_ She laughed softly, thinking back to all the times they "inappropriately" touched each other. And thinking maybe, they _still are._

"We were close, yes we_ are._" She repeated.

And they both smiled, having reach some kind of a consensus. Tony still feels a little like her Tony, and maybe this was their first step.

Ziva wheeled herself out of his room, and Tony's eyes followed her petite form out, whispering to himself, "I'm sorry, Ziva. Maybe we can be close again."

Ziva went out of the room, seeing a grinning Gibbs.

"Partners _don't_ give up on each other." He told her simply, and helped her wheel herself out of the hospital and to NCIS. It's about time she get started on paperwork as well. They were nowhere close to catching Bodnar, and that added to his worries. He didn't needed another madman on the loose. He detested giving such announcements.. He just told Ducky to convey the news and it didn't go well. Abby cried and protested to visit, to see it for herself, but Gibbs said no. It will hurt too much, and Ziva needed to make things clear first, given the accident and all. He made Ducky do that with Jenny.

He did it with Ziva when he thought she sank with the Damocles.

He saw it happening with Kate.

And he heard it happening with Eli.

It was all too much to take in. Now they can visit him, but he dread their reactions. shaking his head, he pushed Ziva out of hospital and drove her towards NCIS.

* * *

The first thing she received upon setting foot onto NCIS was Abby's hug and her shirt was soon soaked in her tears. Tony meant a great deal to her too, he meant a lot to everyone. Not just her. She needs to remember that. Pain hit her again as she saw her family crumble under the devastating news. Gibbs just stood there, his expression stoic, but he felt the same way they did. He needs to be strong for his family.

Ducky and Palmer, had no words to say but one can see the sadness reflected on their faces. They got up to leave to visit Tony, along with Abby. However Mcgee stayed behind, still reeling from the news. Tony... his brother can't remember. He probably won't ever hear him call him "Probie" again. Then he knew this would be harder on Ziva. Mcgee couldn't ever explain their relationship other than the fact that they loved each other.

"Go visit him, Mcgee. Don't be afraid, Tony wouldn't want that. You know he always wanted you to be brave. It's okay... It hurts for me, but at least he's there. At least he's awake. He needs to know that everyone loved him." Ziva said gently, understanding Mcgee's feelings.

"Is it _hard _?" He inquired, aware that Ziva probably visited him earlier. What she stated was true but still, he was afraid to see Tony, and see nothing at all. He's glad that Tony's awake.. but still.

"It is. But you guys are partners too. Partners don't give up on each other."

Gibbs heard it as he turned and smiled proudly at her.

Mcgee let her words sink in, and silently agreed. Ziva always knows what to say to others, despite the fact that she's hurting too. She's strong and he looked up to her for that.

He nodded and went off to join the others.

_***Aliyah TV score on play***_

Ziva wheeled herself to her desk and the first thing she saw already made her miss Tony. The mini flag of the United States of America Tony put there, right beside her flag of Israel, that Eli placed there. She stared _transfixed_ at the flags, remembering how happy she felt to see him do that. America is her home now and Israel built her to be the way she is. She found her home in Israel, because it's where she was born and it will always have a special place in her heart. However, she _found love in America._ More importantly, she _found Tony._

_"I believe that there are... moments, experiences, that someone like McGee, with his trusty computer, couldn't justify."_

And she wanted to reply him that Mcgee couldn't justify _them_. Moments and experiences they went through together were their story and theirs _alone._

_"You cannot expect a person to keep things bottled up inside forever, can you?"_

Ziva believed that she could do that, keeping her feelings bottled up forever, putting on a facade, however the truth is, sometimes she doesn't need to be strong. Sometimes it's alright to put down that facade she held on her whole life. Coming to NCIS taught her that, more importantly, Tony showed her that. He always managed to break through her facade, and comfort her. With him, her feelings were never bottled up. Maybe she should have confessed earlier, because, now - She may never have the chance to confess, in front of _her_ Tony.

And all her tears came flooding back but she held them back. What she loved about him was that... he _knew_ her past and understood it. He understood what is like to grow up_ estranged from love,_ and he understood her relationship with her father. And he always find a way to make her happy whenever she's lost in those sad memories.

Just like Berlin. She opened up to him about her childhood, and he held her hand as the tears fell. For 10 seconds, they confessed their love.

_Tony always know how to make her happy._

And she _misses_ that.

She looked across the empty table and saw a Tony laughing at ridiculous websites, a Tony admiring his face on the computer screen, a Tony pretending to do work. These little moments made him annoying yet lovable.

He's so _perfect._

Forcing herself to look away from his desk, she began working on her computer but yet, Tony's high school picture was glaring back her. Tony's was... really cute back then. Photos. Old photos he showed to her about his mum. She was really honoured that Tony chose her to speak to in the break room. Despite his joker facade, Tony was really just a man afraid to _commit_, because he was so afraid of getting _hurt,_ afraid to _lose_. His mum broke his heart and Tony was never the same. For a long time, he missed his mother and he still does. She understood.

_"That which is essential is invisible to the eye."_

She quoted a book that was made into a movie. What she wanted to convey him is...that when she looks at him, everyday, she sees a man so loving, a man so sweet, a man capable of making everyone's day. It may be invisible to people who thinks he's just a joker, but beneath it all, he's _perfect._ And she wanted to thank him for sharing so sacred and painful to her. That was another memory they loved. To see him grinning a little boy talking about his mum, it melted her heart. At that point in time, they knew that they were _one step closer._ It was new.

_Now they were too many steps apart._

They were sharing things.. things that _matter_ dearly. She was determined to close the gap between them, but it was eight years they were missing. Eight years to close. Can she really do it?

Her whole desk reminds her of him. The photo they took in Paris - His favourite one. It was there, framed for all to see. Framed for her to see and remember. She was his favourite person. Ziva smiled sweetly to herself, feeling like she was in Paris all over again.

They shared a bed in Paris. They didn't do anything, but they shared a bed. She couldn't sleep and he made her supper. Together, they ate pancakes in the romantic city at night. She and him were so unbelievably _close_ that night, their backs faced each other while they each faced left and right. Did she mention she wore a nightgown and he thought that she was gorgeous.

Flashing back to the present, Ziva's mind wasn't at paperwork at all. All she thought of was _Tony._

* * *

Mcgee stepped into Tony's ward, albeit a little awkwardly. He stood there for a few seconds and looked at Tony. Well, he would have expected a "Hey! Mcflowerpower!" but this Tony just looked back at him, without a word. Tony? Silent?

'Um.. I am Special Agent Timothy Mcgee. We are partners, for roughly 9-10 years?" He shifted uncomfortably in his footsteps, waiting for Tony's response.

"Hello, Mr Mcgee. I'm sorry if I don't remember you. I mean, it's the same thing from everyone. The.. goth girl..I can't place her name? "

"Abby Sciuto. Our forensic specialist." He said simply, cutting off Tony's words. Tony nodded, and continued "Okay.. I thought that _Ziva_ was my partner?" His eyebrows frowned in confusion.

Now Mcgee can't answer to that properly. Ziva and Tony... they were definitely more _"partnered"_ than him and Tony. More of _"differently partnered"._ Tony and he, they quarrel over the most mundane of matters and so did Tony and Ziva but.. Tony and Ziva they were just.. different. There was a thing about them that made them perfect partners for each other, and it is safe to say that Ziva was Tony's partner and so was Tony to Ziva. Actually, he can't explain their relationship. All he could gather after eight years was:

Frequent staring at each other with fiery looks.

Frequent foolish grins between each other over an inside joke.

Tony panicking over Ziva's safety.

Ziva going all rough on people who hurt Tony.

Both jealous over one another's boyfriend or girlfriend even though they clearly weren't together.

Both of them.. "open book, baring souls" as he heard from Tony.

Both will give up their lives for each other.

And.. Berlin. He sensed that it's all about _Berlin. _

So basically, they loved each other. But the depths of their relationship, the complexity is something maybe only Ziva and him would understand. Searching for a "correct" answer , he replied, "We were both your partners.. _Ziva more so than I."_

Tony somehow felt... more connected to Ziva than this man here. Though he could still see hurt in this man eyes.

And he realized he wasn't just _him struggling_, everyone who knew him was, too. He was a good person, and maybe that's why they feel hurt that he doesn't remember. He's trying but nothing, not even a single flashback comes to mind. Perhaps his frustration is showing, for Mcgee said, "Tony, we are all worried, that's for starters. But we all need time and so do you. we will get there." And he turned to leave, upset that his brother can't remember him. The times they spent ridiculing each other. He can't imagine the hurt Ziva felt. But yet, everyone's hurt.

Tony laid on his hospital bed, wrecked with confusion and anger at himself. He's nothing now, he has no idea who he was, no idea how his life is. And all he could remember was the feel. The _feel_ of protecting Ziva, to make her happy, and the feeling that they meant a lot to each other. She was strong, holding everything back, trying to be his rock now. She reassured and comforted him all in that half an hour and she somehow tore through his confused mind.

Tony was _tethered_ to her. Her smile, the way she talks, the way she moves - Makes him more desperate to remember.

It's just _her._

**A/N: Thank you for reading! And please review!**


	11. Keys

**A/N: Hello guys! Thank you for waiting and sorry for my slow update! I am down with 5 papers and I have 3 more to go :) So to pay back, this chapter is the longest among all the chapters I have written :) And the next update should be next week when all my exams are over. Thank you for all reviews and follows! And keep the reviews going too! ~ Sharmane **

* * *

It's just _her. _

* * *

It has been roughly two weeks since he woke up, and Tony wasn't improving on his memory or his life at all. He can soon be discharged this afternoon. He is a man without a life, a man without a name for himself. He calls himself Tony DiNozzo, but he has no idea what makes him Tony DiNozzo. Who is that man? Frankly, two weeks - He made no progress. He made progress... with Ziva. She has made progress too, from a wheelchair, she is now in crutches. It was still difficult, for her but she never gave up.

He never knew she is doing it because of _him._ He never knew, he still means so much despite being the cause of her pain. He never knew, Ziva and him were a thing.

In his mind, they were very close friends.

Yet, he feels a strong emotional attachment to this woman, it's almost as if they both knew never let go. They just get stronger in time. Fourteen days and he is just a man with no identity. It was frustrating him.

He was having feelings about Ziva without a basis. He was having feelings for a stranger. It is really foreign, and he wonders if it's right at all. To her, she yearns to see the man he once was, and maybe he didn't.

Simply because, being the man he once was was difficult, it may be impossible. Everyone was trying to keep him tethered to the past, and for once, he wants to make his own decision. Tony can't go on hurting anyone any longer.

For these fourteen days, he really liked Ziva. She was a strong, independent woman and he was attracted to her. She's beautiful. Her brown luscious hair running down her shoulders, her dark eyes, everything about her is beautiful. She's determined.

She's _everything_ his hearts wants.

Confused was the word to describe his feelings. He is having strong emotional attachments towards a woman he barely knew, and it wouldn't go away. It feels _wrong_. And _right_ at the same time.

What hurts him, what that makes him feel guilty the most is... He's making her relive memories they shared together , when _she's_ the only one in the picture. Ziva came by his room every day for fourteen days. She told him about their job, their cases, about people he met, and people he saved - He hates to admit it, but it doesn't sound like him now. It doesn't seem like the things he would do. She was recounting the memory of another man. She told him about her being Israeli and it intrigued him.

However, with each passing day they spent with together, he likes her more and more. He will stare into her eyes, and she stare into his.

And for that moment, maybe they were _soulmates._ She flashes a grin, and he smiles back at her. That.. felt close. His heart told him, that's how they should be like previously. It's something the _old_ them would feel. The spark. He can't feel that now. It's a feeling he wants to cling on so desperately - It just comes. And it goes in a matter of seconds. He was caught up in that moment.

And he is torn between the past and the present. Does he really want to remember what happen? Should he hold on to something that might never return? Or should he move on? Ziva was his anchor, she kept grounded so far. He was aware at least in this big world, he _mattered._ But the hurt in her eyes - He can't stand to see it any longer. Tony flashbacked to yesterday.

* * *

"I don't remember." He mumbled softly, shifting his glance at the photo and waiting for her reaction. It was a photo of them at some NCIS work party. He seemed to be springing on her from the back, his arms around her waist. She had that shocked and happy exclamation on her face.

It was a photo that captured the _happiness_ that came with time spent together.

He can't remember. This man seems... happy. He, is just confused now. Ziva's eyes, they glowed with life.

Now, they don't.

Hers now, were haunted by tragedy, by pain. And every single time he admits that he can't remember, her eyes would do a thing. It would sadly fall, but in a second she would regain her composure. And the sadness is gone, just like that.

"Don't say that." She would tell him firmly, as handed him another photo.

* * *

And she has been doing that for fourteen days.

It pains him to see her upset, and honestly, maybe he should move on. He was a coward now, he wondered if he was giving up on everything he built in the past. But he is a new man, and perhaps he should start anew. But Ziva.

It just _her._

One day after another, he wanted to tell her about trying to move on, one day after another, she gave him a reason to _stay._

A reason to remember.

And he kept silent, because hope and Ziva is what keeps him going on. She makes him desperate to remember. And he tries, for _their_ sake. She never gave up, and after considerable thinking, he works hard to not give up too.

There was still _hope_ that he might remember.

It was going to be twelve soon. He could leave now... except he doesn't know where to go on from here. Literally and psychologically. His life.. wasn't sort out. What path should he take and what should he do. Firstly, no clothes no nothing to begin with. It's the third week now, and finally he can see the world. That's when Ziva knocked on the door and peeked in, her bright eyes twinkling. His lips curled upwards, because hers did. He longed for that smile.

"So.. you can go back home now." She heaved a deep breath, and took a seat on the couch nearby. She threw him a duffel bag.

"Those are your clothes to change into. And I bought you a phone. With all of our phone numbers and Dr. Brad's number as well." She smiled broadly, loving the fact that he's out of this gloomy place. They feel close now, two weeks brought them closer, in a different way. They weren't close as before, but she'll take what they have now.

At least he's _awake_ and _alive._

"I went to your house to grab your clothes, if you don't mind."

Tony was surprised. His house? She went to his house? His eyebrow shot upwards as he asked, "My..my house?"

"You own an apartment, you're a federal agent with considerable pay." She then noticed he wasn't asking about his apartment, but rather - How she got into his home.

"You... gave me your keys. Before this." Saying simply, her heart constricted as she thought back of when he gave her his keys. It was a big step for him, she knew. Tony, never allowed people to his apartment, but he did, for _her._

* * *

_Flashback*_

Getting back from Israel, Ziva was lost. Sitting at her desk, only Eli surged through her lost mind. How badly she missed him, how many words were _left unsaid_ between them. She _regrets_ it. She regrets not forgiving him before he died. Burying him was the hardest thing she has ever done. Tears fell onto the soil, as she planted his favourite olives. One day, it will grow into a tree, one day it will wither and _die_ - Just like every other person she loved in the world. She vowed never to let anyone see her in that broken lost state.

She managed to say what she really felt about him and everything while planting the olives.

"Abba, I hope you can hear me now, maybe you won't but I am sorry. Sorry I didn't forgive you, sorry that the last thing you saw was me walking out of your life. I can't say that I forgive you now... because I can't."

Digging a hole in the soil deeper, tears fell onto it as she continued under the burning sun. "But, _ani ohevet otcha, abba._ You.. told me that one day I will dance with a man who _deserves my love_. Despite your atrocities, your lies - You deserve my love. Because I am your daughter and I know... you love me and you regret your actions. Forging peace between countries... it was your way of saying sorry, saying that you were capable of peace. _I forgive you, not your actions_." Placing the seed into the hole she dug, began putting the soil back into shape, "Ani ohevet otcha, Abba. I don't know why God took you away, why everyone leaves me, why I am the only David left in the world, I don't know why." Tears fell harder, as she kneeled and said her last words,

_"I'm alone now."_

She must have that far look in her eyes, because Tony walked over to her desk and looked at her.

"You okay?" He asked gently, not wanting to prod too far.

"Yeah, I'm fine." she replied, she can't be weak.

He doesn't buy it, and she knew. Slowly, he came round to her seat, from his pocket he took out his keys. And he took her hand, placing it in there.

"I know.. uh, it's hard." Searching for the right words to say, he pierced into her lost eyes as he added, "You may feel fine for now, maybe if you have a bad day.. I just want to know I'm here. My house is all yours, even if you just want to steal a dvd off my shelf or you want to sleep better. It's all _yours._" Shifting uneasily, he anxiously waits for her response.

Ziva mouth went slightly agape, Tony just crossed a line over his personal boundaries. His house, she knew, wasn't open to anyone.

He is opening it to _her._

Maybe, at times she wants to lie in his bed, because it feels of him. And she has more security.

She beamed, closing her palm her palms around his keys and whispered, "Thank you, Tony."

He grinned foolishly and went back to his desk, leaving a very touched Ziva. She looked at his keys, and put it together with hers.

* * *

"It's a long story." She said after a few awkward minutes, meaning that she will not say anything further.

Tony sensed that, maybe they were more than friends? Well, he did just gave her his keys. His house, it was something sacred, wasn't it. But he wasn't exactly clear, so he just accepted the things were.

That's what frustrates him. There were too many aspects to him and Ziva that led them up to now, and he just don't know. He doesn't know anything. He wants balance, and he wasn't getting it. Though Ziva is the only person pulling him to the ground, giving him stability.

He has to admit, despite only knowing her for two weeks, he likes her. More than just a "like".

"Okay." He said quite dejectedly, knowing it's probably another loving memory he can't recall.

"Hey, Tony. There's just.. so much I want to tell you."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because.. because we are different now. It feels _different._ Some memories... are too painful, knowing that it's gone." Answering with brutal honesty, Ziva avoided his gaze, closing her eyes momentarily. That memory feels sacred - It is something only to be shared between her and her Tony. Guilt overwhelmed her, because she hates holding back things from him.

"It's okay. I understand. I am sorry." He got up, and went to change. He really understood, and frankly, if that memory brought her pain, he rather she not tell him anything.

"Tony. You have nothing to be sorry for." She whispered softly to herself.

But he heard it, and his heart broke.

Because, he has everything to be sorry for.

He's sorry for forgetting the eight years they shared, he's sorry for bringing her pain. He's sorry for everything.

He's even sorry for thinking about moving on and giving up - It was clear Ziva wasn't.

_And he will stay for her sake._

Gibbs drove them to his apartment but he can't help but sense that something was really off with the couple at the back. He has no idea what happened but something changed. They somewhat reached a consensus. And he knew from his gut, whether Tony lost his memory or not, he and Ziva are close. He understands. He understands why Tony is willing to spend more time with her.

_Eight years of partnership can't be undone that easily._

For these two weeks, Ziva changed. She was.. happier. And also hurt by the incident. Talking to Tony made her happy and as long as it stays that way, he's happy too. His daughter doesn't need any more sadness in her life.

He pulled by his house, as Tony helped Ziva get out of the car. As she made her way to his apartment, Gibbs pulled him back and said, "Make her happy." and he turned around to leave.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." As his cerulean blue eyes pierced into Tony's eyes, Tony knew. Gibbs was telling him not to give up.

"Got it." Tony gulped, Gibbs is really protective of Ziva, like a father. Gibbs threw him a smirk and a smack to the back of the head. He yelped but Gibbs already got into his car and drove off.

Stroking the back of his head, his slap.. felt normal. It felt like something Gibbs have done countless times. Once again, it's just a feel. He was tired of getting these feels but not recalling anything. Sighing, he walked over his "home". Ziva turned the lock, and what he saw and felt kind of surprised him.

It felt like his home. It felt like something he would actually buy. The array of DvDs, the tiny kitchen. It's _him_. He knows.

And then he could see a woman's coat hanging over a chair.

"I'm sorry, that's mine." Ziva said simply, as she went over to pick it up.

"You live here?" Out of curiosity, he questioned because he began to notice more of Ziva's stuff. Her shoes, her clothes, her scent.

_Technically, we did._ Ziva thought to herself, sometimes she would go over to Tony's and Tony would go over to hers. It was their thing, it felt right. People would say that it's not normal for friends to do that, but they were more than friends so it's all normal between them. But it's hard to tell it to a Tony who doesn't know the depths of their relationship.

"Well... I had to get away from..my apartment for a while..so yeah sometimes we stay over." Her apartment made her feel alone if Tony weren't there after Eli's death. She needed him. In this process, she left some of her essential things there, her toothbrush, her shoes so that they can both get ready for work after a night.

Nights they spent talking about all kinds of things. Nights she made dinner for him. Nights he watched movies with her. Nights he comforted her after a hard case.

Nights that wouldn't exist now.

Tony plopped himself onto his couch and Ziva went over to join him.

"I suggest a.. afternoon movie." He smiled like child to her and she grinned back.

_He feels like her Tony. _

He subconsciously asked that, sitting on the couch - He knew that movies seemed like something they would do. It seems like something they both shared and the smile on her face confirmed that.

They were watching _"The Little Prince."_

It brought _him_ back to some vague memories of him and his mum watching it together. He knew she's not here now, but being with Ziva made him miss her so much. His mother was the first woman to break his heart.

It brought _her_ back to the moment they shared in the breakroom.

_"I guess she was the first woman to break my heart."_

Once again, Ziva snuggled close to Tony, and he accepted that. It feels right.

And he wrapped his arm across her shoulder and they pretended not to notice.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! And please review :) **


	12. Leaving

**A/N: I am back, everyone! My exams are over, and it's a relief for that burden to be off after five months :) I sincerely appreciate all of you people who reviewed or followed and staying all the way. And sorry for the late update! Hope you enjoy this chapter and keep the reviews going! - Sharmane**

* * *

_Once again, it's just a feel. He was tired of getting these feels but not recalling anything._

* * *

Ziva fell into a deep slumber, as her head slowly rested on Tony's shoulder. Tony looked over her shoulder, loving the way she looked when she slept.

Angelic.

Tendrils of her brown hair dropped and caressed her olive-tanned face as her mouth was slightly agape as she snored softly. His arm was still draped around hers. He could feel her breathing so close to him, the rise and fall of her chest. Her words, Her scent everything about her never ceases to intrigue him. This whole thing feels so comfortable, it feels like something they did often before it all happened.

Frankly, he was struggling so hard in his mind with all these new feelings arising about Ziva. He was perplexed, he doesn't know a single thing about their status, how close they were. He doesn't really understand or know her deeply at all. He was very sure, before this accident, they both know each other inside out.

He may seem fine on the outside but recently he has been thinking a lot of where he should go.

Balance was what he needs. Ziva was his anchor, she kept him grounded however, his life stills need a direction, a focus.

Moving on will be the hardest thing he have to do to get his life in order before he comes back. Ziva moved a little as her other arm subconsciously went across his chest. His fingers running through her hair, he knew he _can't_ leave her at all.

But everything was such a mess. Waking up, not knowing who you were, the people you know, letting everyone down.

_He was a mess._

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he reached for it, wondering who would actually call him. The caller ID has two big words on the white screen: Doctor Brad.

Doctor Brad?

Gently picking it up, he answered the never ending call.

"Hello Tony. This is Dr. Brad." A deep smooth voice answered.

Tony's brows furrowed.

"Hi. Well did I leave anything in the hospital?"

"No. But I have some news about your condition that you need to know." The serious tone lacing his voice made Tony sat up straighter as he braced himself for the news. "Based on the test results that we took earlier... Okay Tony this will be hard to take in, for you and for the people around you so-"

"Just say it." He ordered, anxious for what he has to say. Dr Brad stiffened and continued, "There is a 95% chance that... You will_ never_ recover your memories. Which means, this is who you are now." He paused, waiting for the horrible news to sink in.

Tony's face fell completely as his arm went round Ziva's tighter. A million thoughts zapped through his confused mind, and the only question he got was: Why does this have to happen. His heart rate went up, as shock and fear invaded him - In short, he was at a loss of what to do with the news. Clenching his hands strongly with his phone, he managed to bit out, "What...about the _other 5%_?"

"That... Will just be scraps of memories here and there.. The feels you have with a person and that's about it." He replied solemnly, hating to break such news to him.

The line went dead as Tony ended the call.

With tears pricking his eyes, his gaze fell into Ziva as she continued sleeping soundly. She was so oblivious to all this, it hurts him.

Life was so _cruel_ to her. Life was too _cruel_ to a person with such a kind heart. His heart shattered at the thought that she just lost someone dear to her. A lone tear rolled down as he thought about how he should break this news to her.

They moved forward on_ hope._ Now hope is gone and all that remains is ... He doesn't know. The truth will be devastating to her.

He will _never_ recall the times they shared.

He will never recall _her._

All those sweet,loving memories embedded within her mind - He_ wants_ to know them all. He wants to have those memories of the happier Ziva.

He's in utter state of confusion and his heart's a mess. Tethered to Ziva, yet not knowing the basis of it all. Not knowing his life - He will never be the man he once was,_ the Tony that Ziva adored._ Maybe he should move forward, and clear his mind first. Everything is difficult after he woke up to find out that he's nobody. Everything is difficult - He doesn't remember how to_ love Ziva_, he doesn't remember _who he is_, he doesn't remember _his life_, _his existence._ Everyday is a struggle for him and Ziva. Maybe, for once, he needs to take a break, sort all the crap in his mind first. He doubt that he can ever recover emotionally and mentally. The feeling of searching your whole mind for memories and finding _nothing._

_It feels as if he never existed._

All this while, the only person that made him belong to this world was Ziva. She gave him a place to call _home._ In the midst of the confusion, he had Ziva.

In the antagonizing process, she was hurt to see nothing in him all. He keeps trying to remember, he looked through photos, he toured his apartment, _nothing, nothing at all._ The feel of loving Ziva before lingered strongly in his heart.

His heart belonged to _her._

His heart also told him that he needs to make a clean slate, to sort out everything.

Ziva lying beside him made a lone tear roll down his face, as his heart ached at the thought of leaving her.

It was no use clinging on to the past if it will never return. It was no use if he couldn't become the man he once was.

He needs to move on. The dreaded the thought is, it felt right to do. He has to do what he has to do.

Tony wants things to be the way they once were, because he knew that they were a lot better. But the man he is now is hurting everyone who cared about him.

Especially _Ziva._

He hates to be the cause of the tragedy in her life. Despite all of this, she stayed by his side. He wants to_ stay_ for her sake; but they weren't making progress, they were both hurt.

His mind is in a frenzy, it will be awhile before it will calm again. He needs a new perspective in life before he can try to come back to her.

Because he knew, whatever happens, he will return to _her._

His home is where her heart is. It is weird to say that about someone you knew for fourteen days but he feels this way and it felt right.

Leaving without talking to her was out of the question, it was his life and his life was entwined with hers as well.

The peace she has now was about to be torn apart.

Gently nudging her till she stirred, he whispered in her ear.

_"Sorry Ziva, I'm leaving." _

**A/N: Hang on! :)**


	13. Don't Go

**A/N: Hi everyone! Glad that I could finish this update this by today. :) Just a little warning here, the rating might go up for one of the scenes here, I will tell you when. And read carefully so you don't miss anything! :) Thank you for reading and please review!**

* * *

_Gently nudging her till she stirred, he whispered, "Sorry Ziva, I'm leaving."_

* * *

Guilt tore his heart for he can't bear to leave her. Seeing her oblivious, seeing her happy, his inner self was so constricted - He was going change that again. He was going to change her life again. He watched her carefully, memorized every inch of her.

He memorized the way she looked as she slept, he memorized her smile, he memorized that hair of hers, he memorized every part of _her._

He may have forgot who she was, but he doesn't want to forget her _now._

Letting her go, he realized how much he depended on her. Everyday, he depended on her to remind him of his place in the world. Her. His place was with her.

You miss someone when you let them go.

Nudging her again, she moved slightly and her eyes fluttered open.

"Where to?" She mumbled softly, slowly pushing herself up. Breaking off from Tony's embrace, she sat up and faced him, a huge grin plastered on her face.

She failed to notice the sadness etched in his eyes.

"Are you going to get lunch?" Ziva giggled softly, grabbing his hand, interlacing her fingers with his. He avoided her gaze because the guilt was eating him up. Her laugh, it was beautiful. He's letting go of a beautiful woman. One he doubt he could ever find again.

It's so _hard_ to let go. But he has to, it was better for them both. Once again, he broke hearing the innocence lining her voice. For the _first_ time in weeks, she is genuinely happy because he was by her side. For the first time in weeks, her voice was one of genuine bliss.

Shutting his eyes momentarily, he gently put her hand aside as he replied thickly, "No, I'm leaving." Shifting his gaze back to hers, the happiness in her dark eyes dimmed and faded completely. They were now replaced with fear, sorrow and a hint of anger. She knows. Ziva shot up, hearing the dejected, firm resolution in his words. She could sense the hesitation he has.

Staring into his guilt-ridden eyes, she _knew_.

"You're leaving _us_?" She forced out, her lips pursed into a tight line. He can't just throw away _everything_, could he? The hurt she felt was unmistakable as Tony gave no reply.

"If you have the nerve to leave, _why_... can't you give me an answer?" She pressed on forcibly, her voice close to breaking. Because, the way Tony looks at her now is different. He was determined to leave, yet he's hesitating because of her. Because of_ them._

"Yes, I am leaving."

Those four words left his lips and in that instant, everything he and Ziva built up shattered into tiny pieces as they fell into nothingness. Regret ran through his veins, he can't bear to leave her but he has to. Those four words were so difficult to say - He can walk away from life, from all of this but Ziva was pulling him back.

She wasn't taking yes for an answer. He can't simply just say that he's leaving and hurt her like this. He can't do this.

_Her life meant nothing without Tony._

Memory loss or not, she needs him.

Eli left her life. Ziva can't handle losing someone else she loved.

_"Why?"_

A few seconds passed, as the tension between them increased. Ziva was close to breaking. He heard the fear slipping into her voice and she sounded so vulnerable. He really hated himself right now, he hated himself for making her feel that way. Moving on was what he needed, and Ziva reminded him that being with her, her world was _his._ Blinking back tears of agony and guilt he answered her with brutal honesty.

"I need to move on. I need to find balance in my life now. You see Ziva.. I wake up every single day, not knowing who I _was_, not knowing _you_, not knowing my_ life._ My mind is just a blank, it's almost as if I, Anthony DiNozzo _never existed._ And yes, it's confusing.. It's all so hard. A break is what I need to sort myself out before I can be with you. " He let out a long breath, awaiting for her reply. Ziva just looked at him with the most sorrowful face.

"_Tony, don't do this. Please._" She pleaded, an a tear slipped. Ziva understands, she understands that he feels that he is a mess, that nothing is going right, everything is just a blur to him. Sometimes she get so caught up in her pain.. she neglected his feelings about himself. About_ them._ If he wants to move on, deep down her soul, she doesn't blame him at all.

Except, she was once so close to losing him, she can't_ lose_ him again. She's all him.

"Ziva.. I don't know. My life now is just a wreck, but you, you were the one who made things right. Which is why.. which is why it's so _hard to go._"

"Then _don't._" She said simply, tears welling up her eyes once more. The thought of losing Tony..._hurts_ too much.

"Please. Can we talk this over?. There's hope you might remember." She tries to hold on to that strong facade. A facade that was slowly breaking. Ziva David wasn't about to give up on her partner.

He stands up, and tries heading for the door, because now, after all this, his heart was so latched on to hers if he stayed any longer, he won't want to leave. And there is no chance he might ever recall, except she doesn't know it yet.

"No, we _can't._" Turning to face her on the couch, he added with a softer, gentler tone, "Ziva.. I can never be the man I was to you. I can never love you the way I did. The memory loss.. there's a 95% chance I will never get back anything at all. 5% will just be scraps of memory here and there or nothing at all. Dr Brad called earlier. It's permanent. " There, the truth.

The earth-shattering truth.

Ziva went still.

With those words, Ziva's heart scrunched up and all the anger she held dissipated. Permanent? No. No, it simply can't be true. If it was, they really lost everything. There was _no hope_ left.

"It's... permanent?" She croaked out softly, barely reaching a whisper. Her angered face fell apart and in it's place was a face of heartache and fear. Fear that they will really be apart forever. Her eyes searched for his to meet hers, her mouth slightly agape. This couldn't be happening. And at this moment, she knew she depended on him. With or without memories, to feel him again, it was bliss.

Tearing away from her gaze, he silently replied, his voice low and dejected, "Yes." He sighed and looked down, putting his hands in his pockets, refusing eye contact. He needs to leave her and everyone behind. Everyone is hurting because of him and the guilt is eating him up, maybe if he moved on, they have to forget him. Tony looked into Ziva's eyes everyday of this two weeks and never once he saw genuine happiness. Maybe her life was rocked by tragedies, and he's one of them. All he saw was love and pain, she tried so hard to make him remember. She never gave up.

_He wants her to give up on him._

For his sake and for her sake.

_She needs to let go._

He's tired that he's sorry so he has leave.

The moment Doctor Brad told him his memory loss is permanent, his hopes of getting it back, his hopes of making Ziva happy were dashed. Shattered. And he knew, he could prolong this no longer. He could not go on hurting anyone anymore.

Especially her. Everyone is hurting because of him.

Ziva couldn't make anything of it. Her Tony is gone. Gone forever. All that's left is memories. Pictures of them, pictures of their love. But the real thing would cease to exist. The Tony in Somalia, the Tony in Paris, the Tony in Berlin - Gone. Not even a chance of having those moments again. He's never going to tell her that he _loves_ her.

But she loved him and that's all that matters. She doesn't want him to let him go. It was when he's leaving, Ziva realized, despite everything - She doesn't want him to leave.

In that instant, nothing else mattered except _him._

_"What if I told you that I... love you? Would it change... Anything?"_ Her small voice shook at the end as the tears she fought back so hard fell and coursed down her face.

He halted in his tracks as his heart was battered into pieces. He was connected to her and he can't let that feeling go. But he has to. She's so important to him, she's his life. With her, it doesn't matter who he was or is. But he has to let go, he has to move on in order to clear all the things in his mind.

But this confession was hard to make, she just confessed to a complete stranger.

_"Love me for one last time."_ She whispered brokenly. Getting up from the couch, she painfully limped towards him, without clutches and wrapped her thin arms around his waist. She didn't care if he minded or not.

Because she just don't want him to ever leave her world.

It was her one last attempt to pull him back.

"Please...just don't leave, I don't want to lose you again." Her tears turning into full blown sobs. She pressed her head against his chest and closed her eyes as agony wrecked her. A lone tear fell from Tony as he wrapped his arms around her waist too.

Rating: M

Slowly, she tilted her head up to face his. Sorrow filled his deep green eyes, as they stared intently into hers. Her hands reaching for his rough neck, she pulled his lips to hers. Her lips gently brushed across his coarse ones, and he took hers in immediately. It was what they needed. But with every feel of this gorgeous woman, his heart tore off bit by bit and latched itself to hers. They lingered for awhile, taking a moment to savour what they just did. Tears fell from their faces, for they loved and they can't let go. Her lips felt gentle, soft and he wondered if they have ever done this before. They continued, kissing each other deeply, both doing it out of pain. Healing each other with every move. Her fingers ran through his hair, pressing their bodies close together. The world slowly disappeared and all that's left is them. Tony is reminded of how he can't bear to leave her. His other hand touched her cheek, as his tears melted along with hers. _She's so beautiful._

This kiss, it wasn't brute, it was gentle, it was loving, it was _pain._

With every feel, Ziva thought of all the moments they shared. Those sacred moments.

_"Aht Lo Levad"_

Her hands gripped his shirt and she inched herself closer to feel. To feel him again.

_"They're playing our song, sweetcheeks."_

Their dance.

_"Act like you're just with me."_

The one last beautiful memory they shared.

_"Couldn't live without you, I guess."_

Somalia, he admitted she meant the world to him.

_"It's okay, it's just a bad dream."_

He chased her demons away.

_"Then I should catch her before she leaves, you know, I'll thank her."_

He is grateful for the person she had become, he is grateful to have known her.

_"No, it is I, who am sorry."_

She doubted him, yet he risked his whole life to bring her home.

_"I was just about to tousle your hair, sometimes it makes you smile."_

He wanted her to smile.

The overwhelming desire to feel him again pushed her forward to ache more hungrily for him. Suddenly, he pushed away as if he has been burnt. He has leave now, he has to move on, before his heart decided to stay.

"I'm sorry. I am." He said, his voice strangled. She held his hand, her eyes begging him not to leave, her posture so awkward, due to the lack of crutches. His fingers interlaced with hers, as he looked at her, tears shining in his green eyes. He can't bear to leave, he needs to. He can't abandon her.

"Don't go. Just. Don't go. Ani ohevet otcha. " Ziva pleaded softly, her voice ragged and broken beyond despair.

_"Do not leave me. Don't, please don't.. please. I don't want to lose you..Ani ohevet otcha, Tony. Ani ohevet otcha, Ani ohevet otcha, Ani... ohevet ...otcha... Stay with me, Tony. Please..I love you. Always."_

That line rang incessantly in his head.. with her voice. She said it to him before, he can't quite grasp it and in a few seconds.. the strip of memory vanished.

Tony knows that the emotional attachment to her is hurting him, it's hurting her, it's hurting both of them. The only way to solve this.. is to leave.

He twisted his hands away from her tight grasp, as he turned and left.

The door to their relationship slowly closed and clicked softly behind him.

**A/N: Hang on guys! We will get there! :)**


	14. Moving On

**A/N: Hi everyone :) I know the previous chapter left all of us hanging on what's going to happen, but I assure you - Just hang on. I thank everyone for leaving a review or following this story! I really appreciate it. I might not update so soon after this, due to practices for an upcoming performance but I will try my best! And keep the reviews going on! - Sharmane**

* * *

_ He twisted his hands away from her tight grasp, as he turned and left._

_The door to their relationship slowly closed and clicked softly behind him._

* * *

Tony walked along the streets, his head downcast. People passed him one by one and he didn't care. In the vast amount of buildings, he felt alone. People whizzed past him, he didn't even bother to look out for them. He continued walking. He got bumped, he got cursed at but all that didn't matter.

All that mattered was that.. Did he make the right choice? His heart told him that a break was needed, but the look in her eyes said otherwise. He can still remember the sadness etched in her eyes, how she painfully limped towards him, _begging him_ not to leave.

_He still left her._

The feel of her lips still lingered strongly on his. He knew if he hadn't let go, they would be in bed, making love passionately. They would be together.

Yet, what he truly wanted was not to know her now. He wants to know the Ziva he loved for eight years, he wants to know how he knew her.

_He's not even clear about himself...how can he be clear about them?_

He wants to know their story. What's left of his heart will always be for _her._

Sitting down on a lone bench, he let out a deep breath. His mind is so confused,he has no idea what's going on in his head. Staring at the never-ending stream of passers-by, his mind wandered to the line he heard when he woke up. That one line that never got out of his head.

_"I love you, Tony."_

She said it before.

_"Tony, don't do this. Please."_

He tried holding back tears in the public, he can't bear to leave her too. She meant so much to him, he realized. She _begged_ him. He made her _beg._ It was cruel.

_"What if I told you that I... love you? Would it change... Anything?"_

Would it change anything? His heartstrings tugged viciously, did he love her too? Did he love a woman he known for two weeks? He feels as if he does.

If it weren't for the crash, they would have been _something_. Would they? Burying his head in his hands, darkness engulfed him as he thought through the times they spent together.

He doesn't know why but his heart belonged to _her._ It was bounded so tightly to hers, and he desires to know why. Why were they so close? Rubbing his face in distress, he stood up and began to walk to wherever his mind will take him.

* * *

As the door gradually closed, Ziva's heart ceased to beat as well. All there is left is pain. She understood why he left. If it were her, she might have done the same thing too. You do what you have to do in life. She doesn't blame him, frankly, she saw that they weren't getting anywhere. At least his personality is still there, he's more shy but he's still _there._

The accident took his memories but it_ can't take away his soul._

Tony was constantly feeling guilty over not remembering, he constantly wonders why he can't make anyone happy.

He wonders why he exists if he can't remember his existence.

Limping over to the couch, she crumpled onto it as she ran her fingers through her hair. She felt it, she felt his fingers combing her hair while she slept. And she liked it. She suppressed the tears that threatened to break through, suppressed the notion to trash everything in her path.

It's his apartment. His scent lingered, everything is just him. His array of DVDs, his shoes, his clothes, all untouched. _It's all him._

_She's all him too._

Ziva didn't want to lose him. Memory loss or not, it hurts to see him go. It _hurts._ A tear managed to slip, as her heart became numb. She loved him till it hurts and now it hurts no more. She ran through his words, it seemed like another private conversation between them both.

_"I need to move on. I need to find balance in my life now."_

_But Tony, balance is here, with me._

_Why did you leave?_

_"I can never love you the way I did."_

_Tony, I can. I will always love you._

She was at a loss on what to do.

She wonders if he will ever consider coming back.

She doubts that she can go on, alone.

She doubts if she could ever be happy.

Sniffing in the tears, she softly said to herself, "Oh, I miss you. I miss you, Tony."

* * *

Walking and walking on and away from life, he passed by a small diner.

"The Smell of Israel" The bright neon orange blinking signboard said. Looking up at the diner, it struck him hard as familiar. He remembered Ziva was from Israel, maybe they've been here before.

Once again, it was just a feel.

Nowhere else to go, he pushed open the glass door to the diner. The fragrant smell of falafel hit him, and the mingling of people irritated him. There were loads of tables and waiters running out busily. The air smelt of falafel, coffee and people. Glancing around, everyone seems to know everyone, and he was the odd one out.

Maybe it's because _he_ only ever felt _belonged with Ziva._

Shifting awkwardly around, his pupils darted for a seat. He didn't belong, but it felt different - And that put his mind off things for a while. A new experience.

Walking over to the seat closest to the counter, a bearded man saw him and smiled widely as if he knew him.

"Shalom, Tony! Where's Ziva?" He hollered, passing him a cup of latte, extra sugar - Just the way he liked his coffee. This man did not seem the least bit familiar, but Tony played along.

What does "Shalom" mean anyway? Brushing that aside, he replied him, "She's gone out with her friends, women, they love shopping." He gave him a grin in return, sipping his coffee, beginning to enjoy the atmosphere around him. It was noisy, it was fresh, it was a new take from life.

He also noticed how easily a lie slipped through his tongue, like he's done it every single day of his life.

The man slip him a photo and eagerly said to him, "Ziva told me that she wanted this photo published, I took it for you and her, you know. The photo of you two kissing each other because you two lost a dare. Always wanted to pass it to either one of you if you guys hanged around here."

Tony's fingers picked up the photo and an instant wave of guilt hit him. Ziva was dressed in a long blue dress, accentuating her gorgeous features, while he was dressed sharply in a tuxedo. Her hair rolled down her tanned, muscular shoulders. She was so breathtaking. Her lips were forcefully pressed against his, as they both cringed in disgust yet happiness. They seem to be enjoying themselves so much. He doesn't know why he's so emotional, but tears sprang to his eyes.

It was another memory that was _snatched_ away by the accident.

This was proof of how _close_ they _were._

"Thank you, buddy. Appreciate the photo." He said, nodding his head.

"Anything for you and your girlfriend."

Tony stopped breathing at that word, putting the cup of swirling coffee down. To others, they even seemed to be together. And deep down the depths of his soul, he knew they were more than friends too.

* * *

For 20 minutes, Ziva did nothing but to think of Tony.

She knows it he did what he needed to do but she doesn't want him to. But going on crying everyday wasn't the solution. It took Tony great courage to leave them behind, she must pick herself up too. It was going to be a hard journey ahead, but she has to pull through.

At least he didn't mean to leave her, he could have _walked away_, he could left her there. But no, he chose to confront her, fully aware that it will hurt. Sometimes,_ her Tony_ is still in this man. The bravery, the courage - These little characteristics that made her fall in love with him.

The painful truth is that she saw an immense amount of love, pain, guilt, regret in his eyes as their lips touched. The tears streaming down his face, shattered her heart.

And she knows she can't ever blame him - Tiny part of her wants to but she _can't._

He didn't want to leave her but he did what's best for his life.

Because, if he can't be clear about himself, how can he be clear about _them?_

She was rendered incapable of doing anything after the person she loved left her. Basically he was her anchor and her anchor just got lifted up, leaving her with no direction at all. Even though it's not his fault, pain etched her heart and it magnified with every beat. She's losing him all over again, it was not something she can handle easily.

Picking up her phone, she called the one other person she trusted the most.

"Gibbs... I was hoping maybe uh.. we can talk? I don't know..I'm at his apartment." Her voice shook a little at the end, she was so unsure of what to do.

"Be right there, Ziver. Hold on." Gibbs ended the call, and sighed. Something was off about Ziva, the happiness just seemed to be snatched away from her soul, his gut told him that Tony had something to with it. He hated to see her sad. Eli left her and he intends to step up to be there for her in every way. It's the least he could do for the sacrifice she made for him in that basement.

_All he wants is his daughter to be happy. Is that too much to ask?_

Gibbs let himself into Tony's apartment and the first thing he noticed her Ziva all curled up on the couch, staring aimlessly into space. And the next, was that Tony is gone. He closed his eyes and shook his head in despair as he instantly knew what went wrong.

"Hey Gibbs." Ziva sat up, patting to that empty space beside her. Gibbs walked over and sat next to her. She lifted his arm, inching herself close to him. He let her head slowly drop to rest on his shoulder. He kept quiet, because silent comfort was what she needed. She will talk when she's ready.

For the next few minutes, Ziva made no effort to shift away, she just felt blessed to have another father to lean on. After a few minutes, she finally began talking.

_"He left."_ Her voice said with a resignation, as she sighed.

"I know." He replied simply, not knowing what else to say.

"I just.. want him to _stay,_ you know. It's hard. I want... people to stay." She admitted painfully, biting her lips. His heart broke for his little girl, seeing her so lost.

"He say why?"

She let out a deep breath as she continued, "He's confused, he can't remember and he needs... a break. I just wish _we didn't break."_

"Ziver... Sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons. He left, it may not be the wisest decision but it was for the right reasons."

"But he left. I don't think I can take this anymore." She whimpered, snuggling herself closer to her father. Gibbs took her in, putting her closer to him.

She needed a father's hug in her whole adult life. She needs one now.

"Gibbs... before everything changed, we held hands. We.. loved. I don't know _why_ God took him away from me... But for that _10 seconds we held hands_, I swore I saw love in his eyes. I.. confessed before he walk out of that door, I told him how I felt.. about _us._ He still walked away. He walked away. H_e... walked... away."_

Her voice trailed off at the end and she shrugged, pretending that it didn't matter but it did. Inching herself even closer, she buried her head in his shoulder, not wanting to face the horrible reality.

"Ziver... if anything, I am sure he didn't leave you intentionally. If anything, I am sure he can't bear to leave. He did it to sort out his mind. What did you see in his eyes? Tell me the truth, look into his eyes, _what.. did you see?_" He pulled Ziva away gently, looking into those grief-stricken eyes of hers.

The image of Tony's tears melting along with hers, the feel of his tears staining her cheeks played vividly in her. The feel of him touching her cheek, his lips healing a little of her heart.

His eyes. His deep green eyes.

Hurt, love, guilt, regret swam in those large eyes of his.

"I saw... hurt, regret and guilt. I saw_ love."_ She confirmed what her heart already knew, Tony left because of him. Because of his life. She ached more, for she can't bear to see him go either.

When you love someone, you have to let them _go._

Ziva knows what Gibbs said was right, such an incident can leave your mind in such a messed up state, what you need is a break. The thing is, she doesn't know how to face every day without him. Eight years she spent every day with him..now that's he's gone, what can she do?

"You move on, Ziver. You move on. It will be rough, but life goes on. You have us to have your back. I believe that this Tony will return to _you._ Whatever happens he will go back to _you._ You two are partners, more than that. That.. can't be changed. I love you, kid."

And that's what Ziva will do.

_She'll move on._

Finishing his coffee, Tony looked around the vibrant place. There's so much more to life. But his heart will and always _belong to Ziva_.

_He'll move on._

They will both move on, and he will return to her one day.

_He knows he will._

**A/N: Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoy this chapter! :) **


	15. Couldn't Live Without You

**A/N: Hi everyone :) Sorry I have been gone for so long like this. I appreciate every single review given, thank you! 3 Hope you enjoy this chapter! Keep reviewing! - Sharmane.**

* * *

_He was in a dimly lit grimy cell, and he could hear the sound of his bruised feet tapping against the concrete floor. Dirt covered his body as the footsteps got closer and closer. Tap. Tap. The sound of droplets of water hitting against the ground magnified with every passing millisecond. He was chained tight to a chair, his skin in a layer of sweat and dust. The heat burned his body as he tried to keep still. He has no idea where he is._

_The door flung open and a man, dragged a thin person to sit on the chair across him. A bag was draped over his or her head as he or she made no effort to resist the captor, as if sucuumbing to his needs._

_Everything was so confusing and unfamiliar._

_Until the bag came off forcefully._

_That person... was Ziva. Her eyes sunken and hollow, her face covered in cuts and bruises, her hair oily and tangled. He could see the angry cuts on her neck and in that instant, he swore that he would get the man who did this to her._

_"Tony..."_

_Then everything collapsed and shook, the room caved in as if something struck them, as if they were in a car accident. The walls shook violently. He tried to reach for Ziva.. tried to intertwined his fingers with hers. For 10 seconds, he tried so desperately to reach for her but it was too late as debris came crashing down. It was all too late..._

Tony jolted out of his bed, drenched in sweat as he took in ragged breaths. Running his hands over his face, his eyes darted around as he searched for reality. He's still in this small motel, not that grimy room earlier. He swore he could still smell burnt sand. The bed sheets crumpled, his hands reached for the nearby lamp as he turned it on. The room basked in a warm yellow light.

Since he left, he has been having weird dreams of all kinds. They were like pictures of someone's elses life, but he's always in them, just that they don't mean anything. It's kind of distanced, removed from him but he feels everything so vividly as if it is really happening. Shaking his head in despair, he connected the dots between all the dreams he has for two months.

Ziva was always in them.

One way or another, she will appear in his dreams. This dream about the desert is always somewhat similar in context. Sometimes his arm will be wrapped around her, dragging her out of the cell while bullets whizzed past them and a figure will show up in front of them. A figure he can't quite make of it but he looks like Gibbs. A bullet grazed his neck and hers at the same time. Sometimes, she would be asking him, "Tony... why are..you _here?"_ in this small voice, drained of energy. And he couldn't answer because he doesn't know how to.

It always ends with everything tumbling down, and him reaching for Ziva's hands but never grasping them at all. It always ends with his heart pleading for _10 more seconds_ to hold her. Tony doesn't know how his mind is conjuring such brutal images.

He wonders if it happened before in real life or is it him going insane.

His knees put up to near his chest, he checked for the time. It was 3am. Plopping himself back on bed, he sighed heavily.

She's _always_ on his mind.

Two months, he started making a new identity for himself. He worked as a waiter in a local bar, but he somehow just has the knack for people. He can relate to them, he can communicate well.

Maybe it's because of the fact he's once a federal agent.

With this special skill, he rose up the ranks rather quickly and soon he was the manager of that bar. People praised him for his witty humor and his charm. They labelled it the "DiNozzo Charm.' He has pay, he has a job and things were going well. He's becoming someone.

He's happy. But he's not contented.

It's just _her._

His mind drifts back to Ziva, her smile, her grin and the sadness the filled her eyes when he left. His heart ached, and he wondered how's she's doing. He never went back to that Israeli restaurant ever again. He's afraid that he might meet her and the guilt would wash over him again. He's afraid that she might be hurt.

Still, he wonders if it was the right choice.

Reaching for his wallet on the table top beside him, he took out the photo out and stared at it. The light from the lamp shone on Ziva's face and her joy caused tears to churn at the back of his eyes. He misses her. His fingers trailed slowly across her face, admiring the cringe she gave.

_"Oh, Ziva I miss you."_ The whisper resonated and bounced back to his ears.

* * *

Two months passed, life went on with the team. They laughed, they grinned, they celebrated but they were never really whole. It's just the hole in their hearts that refused to close. Ziva regained complete use of her legs, and now she's walking and running again. Days went by in a flurry, cases were solved, cases were closed. Ziva smiled, she giggled but she can't ever be truly happy.

Eight years of partnership can't be undone that easily.

Eight years he was by her side.

_This year she's alone._

It felt _wrong._

It's _all wrong._ Vance can't find an agent that can replace Tony, so that spot was left vacant.

Tony is irreplaceable.

Frankly, she was relieved that it's still blank. Simply because her heart _belonged_ to Tony and no one else. She doesn't need an outsider to mess everything up. Mcgee now takes on a double load, a leader and her partner. Ziva is just so glad to have a brother to go out with, a brother to talk to, to laugh with. She's grateful for this team. Tony's gone and they tried all things to make her smile. Abby went to her apartment for a sleepover, Mcgee went shopping with her albeit the awkwardness, and Gibbs was a father - she confided in him about her insecurities, her feelings.

But her life lacked Tony. It was whole with him in it. She remembered that she wanted to be _whole for him,_ she yearned to regain the use of her legs to be whole for him.

Now she's accomplished _it._

But he's _not_ here.

She's at home, and his things were still untouched. His shoes, his clothes - They were exactly where he left them before they left for Berlin.

Before it all happened. Because.. she's afraid if she took them away, her Tony would cease to exist. With his things here, it's almost as if he's still here with her. She knows that it's all a pretence, a lie but it's a_ lie_ she was willing to believe in.

Sometimes, she still blames herself for all the hell that happened. He walked right out of that door. That door closed, and so did her heart. Sitting on her couch, a framed photo laid by her coffee table. It was aging, the photo curled at the sides, the tiny wrinkles on the paper, the faded colour but it was a beautiful photo. Seven years ago, she joined NCIS with a guarded heart. Seven years ago, she met Tony, by his desk, having phone sex. Seven years ago, _they_ happened.

This picture was taken seven years ago unknowingly to them, but Mcgee captured them in one of their "moments". He wasn't wearing a shirt, due to evidence splattered on it. Her chest went up close with his, and their lips were only an inch apart. Her fingers poking his ribs, she taunted him playfully about his lack of muscles. He grinned, saying that he will train to get it back for her. To impress her. Their eyes twinkled, as a warm gush went through their veins. Like a teenage boy and a teenage girl.

How _much_ has _changed_ since then.

How _much_ has been_ lost_ since then.

A memory that only she knew.

Sometimes, life surprises you, those are the moments worth living _for._

She said the first part and Eli completed her sentence. Her father's death was a surprise, one that caused repercussions, one that caused multiple tragedies to follow.

Those aren't moments worth living for.

In the silent night, her hands reached for that photo. She held it lightly, and softly voiced, "Oh Tony.. I am sorry."

_In the world, miles apart, their hearts were still bounded._

* * *

Tony's fingers never left that photo - He missed her. He suddenly realized, this is the only thing he has of her. He has nothing else. It's too little. He has nothing of Ziva. Two months, he has only one photo. One photo of her beautiful face.

He wants more.

Deep down the depths of his mind, he wants _her._ It wasn't rational, but he wants _her._ Two months, he tried to move on, make a identity for himself - Putting "recalling" aside. Because with Ziva, he always want to recall and he fails. His heart sank at the thought of kissing her and leaving her life, because his past self left her and now, he physically left her.

He _can't_ _forget_ her now. Pushing aside reality only went so far, because the desire to remember surfaced. Ziva is a part of him and he can't deny that. His mind is clearly sorted now.

He is a manager of a bar, that is his present self. He wants Ziva in his present life. It doesn't matter if he remembered but he needs her to be complete. The past mattered, but it's not coming back to him at all.

If only she will forgive him.

Inhaling a long breath, his first step is to get more photos of her. The diner was the first step.

* * *

Ziva's fingers never left that photo - She missed him. When you love someone, you have to let them go. She knows that he made that choice for the right reasons, with his mind messed up, how can they move on together, as partners?

And she remembered, the last time they ever took a photo together. It was at that diner they always frequented after work. She remembered being forced to kiss him, their lips pressed together, both of them cringing.

But it was an experience they enjoyed.

She has yet to collect it. Collect the _last_ photo they took together. Getting up from the couch, she headed to the diner.

* * *

They reached the diner at the same time.

Ziva walked towards the counter, making her way through a crowd of sweaty people.

Tony pushed opened the door to the diner, overwhelmed by the amount of people again. He took a step in, embracing the familiarity of the place. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and falafel.

* * *

Ziva ordered coffee, and grabbed the seat at the counter.

Tony approached the counter, searching for that man who gave him the photo. He hollered his order. "One latte, sugar please."

* * *

"Hey Ton-" She halted, realizing what she just answered. That was his voice by the counter, wasn't it? Instinct left her mouth as she responded. Her jaw dropped a little as her heart constricted.

* * *

He heard it and his head slowly turned.

She realized and her head slowly turned.

* * *

In the vast amount of people, these two partners locked eyes, neither being able to speak. People around them ceased to exist as a million thoughts ran through their minds.

She has changed. Her hair was long and wavy, it cascaded down her shoulders, accentuating her olive-tanned face and dark eyes. It had a shine to it, and so did she. She radiated a kind of fiery yet beauty. Her legs... she recovered.

He has changed. He's wearing new clothes and his hair is shorter than it used to be. He seems less confused and more bold.

"Um.. hey Ziva." He spoke, swallowing his words down, sounding stupid and scared.

Taking in the differences, she forced out, "Tony...why are you _here_?"

After all this time, she's meeting him here? Just a short route away from his own apartment? She thought that he has moved up coast or something.

It's the question she asked in his dream. That one question he couldn't find the right answer for. But his heart beat hard against his ribcage, as the right answer came to mind. It was almost as if... he said it before.

_"Couldn't live without you, I guess."_

**A/N: And so.. he said it. :) **


	16. Healing

**A/N: I thank everyone for your reviews! They made me grin so much! Hope you enjoy this chapter as always. :) Once again, the rating of this might go up in one of the scenes, I will tell you when. Keep the reviews going! - Sharmane.**

_"Tony...why are you here?"_

_"Couldn't live without you, I guess."_

* * *

No one else noticed but a look of shock, a look of relief went across Ziva's eyes. The tone in which he said the sentence, it was exactly the same as in Somalia. The tone of love, and desperation. The desperation to find and bring her back.

It's the exactly the same now. Tears burned her eyes as they threatened to force their way out, as her heart fluttered with gratitude. She thought that she would never see him again. Hearing those words, her soul was touched once more.

Because she heard _her_ Tony in this man. _Her_ Tony.

He said it, he said the words that changed her life, changed their lives three years ago. It was almost as if, he remembers and Ziva is shocked.

Because, she never expected to hear these words again - In that tone, in that voice.

Their eyes remained locked, as love filled them. They were two long lost partners finding each other because of fate. Hurt left her, and all she could think about was him. The hole in her heart closed. It wasn't exactly logical why she felt this way, but maybe she was just glad to see him again. It was better than no Tony at all.

He took a few steps closer, closing the gap between them once more. He walked till their bodies were only two inches apart. Taking her hand, he whispered achingly to her, "I am sorry, Ziva. I didn't mean to leave you. I mean this." In the midst of crowded people, she let him take her hand. Giving him a small smile, her eyes travelled to his hand she noticed how more lines grew on it. It felt.. more rough, more calloused.

"I understand, Tony. Let's get out of this crowded place and we will talk." They have so much talking to do. So much to _mend_.

Gingerly, she held his hand by the fingertips and they made their way of the place.

They decided to walk to his apartment. The place where he left.

* * *

He walked by her side, and it feels like they are working, going to their next destination once more. The wind fell on them both as it whipped her curls to the sides, and Tony swore she never looked more beautiful.

"So.. how have you been?" She inquired, out of curiosity and also to ease the tension surrounding them. He took a glance at her as he slowly replied, " I'm good. Manager of a bar now, I have the _"Dinozzo Charm",_ according to most people." Chuckling to himself, he caught that she grinned broadly as well.

"You always had that charm. It's a part of _you_, I guess that didn't change." Ziva replied, looking down at the pavement.

Things were so awkward, yet things are not awkward.

Two months, did it change what they have?

"I guessed a lot of things about me didn't change. I still have people skills." He said shyly, avoiding eye contact with her.

_Well, you are a part of me and that didn't change. It never did._

The two looked at each other at the same time, the tension around them increased, as words they wanted to say to each other so badly couldn't find their way out. Minutes passed.

"We have arrived." Ziva said simply, tearing her gaze away from him, pushing the door open. He walked in, and she closed the door. Nothing was touched since he left. They were all exactly the same.

"We... need to talk. Talk about things.. things that you know, _matter._" She maneuvered her way to stand in front of him.

"Yes we do." Tony replied softly, as he continued, "I am sorry. For everything. For _leaving."_ He tried to avoid her gaze but it was burning his soul. Her dark eyes showed relief, yet sadness again. It was time he confronted her bravely, they both needed this. He took a slight step closer, showing her he meant what he said. They were now 4 inches apart. Her head tilted slightly and she made no effort to step away.

"Tony, I... understand. And I am sorry. Because... indirectly, I caused you to be like this. It's a long story, you helped me with a major case regarding the death of my father. I wanted.. revenge. And the _cost_ of it was your.. memories. Oh Tony.. I am sorry." She caught his attention drift. She can't let him go now. A tear escaped as her fingers reached to touch his cheeks.

Two months she never touched any other man. Two months she refused every date.

Simply because her heart never belonged to anyone else but _him._

"Ziva... I don't remember but I know, I will do anything for _you._ Before and now. Don't be sorry. Please _don't._" His heart swimming in tears of love and ache, his fingers reached to touch her cheeks too.

He felt it. The small scar near her neck, it was healed but visible. A small bump. Instinctively, his hand withdrew as his finger felt for a similar scar. There, a thin line across his neck. In sync with her scar.

_They shared a scar._

And he knew.

_A bullet grazed his neck and hers at the same time._

In the dream he had, a bullet whizzed past them, grazing his and her neck simultaneously. But this was real.

_The two scars were real._

It wasn't just a dream. It was_ reality._

"What?" Ziva asked, seeing the look of recognition in his face. His gaze fell on her, his eyes took on a serious focus. Extending his arm, he caress her scar again and replied, "That is where a bullet grazed your skin and _mine._" Staring deep into her scarred soul, he continued, "That is where you got _hurt._ In the desert." A tear escaped from his eyes, and hers as well.

"I swore to myself that I will get the man who did this. I don't know who he is, but I swore that I will get him. Did I?"

"Yes you did." She nodded, as the edges of her lips curled slightly, and she added,_ "You saved me."_ The gratitude and love lining her voice was unmistakable.

_"I guess I couldn't live without you._ That memory was important, then. I only remember that. And I am glad I saved you. Because you're now _here._" He spoke, moving in one step closer to her.

"I'm glad that I have you." Whispering softly, he continued, "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry. _I'm so sorry._ I'm sorry I left you alone for two months. I was a bastard, I'm sorry." Wiping that tear track off her face, he added on again, piercing deep into her dark eyes, "I'm _never_ leaving you again. Forgive me please."

Ziva smiled, as another tear fell silently down her face and dripping onto his hand.

"I forgive you. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Rating: M

This time, tears welled up in both of their eyes. His fingers ran through her lush hair again, and she pushed herself closer to him till their bodies touched. Tilting her head slightly, her eyes travelled down to his lips. He saw and knew what they were both going to do. When her lips gently touched his, they both swore they loved each other. He leaned closer to her, his hands cupping her cheek. He felt hot tears streaming down her face, and realized that tears are coursing down his face too.

_Tears of love._

The feel of her caused him to go more hungrily for her and she didn't pull back. He knew that she won't let go of him and neither will he.

_They will never let go of each other._

Down the depths of his soul, he knew her lips hasn't touched anyone elses in a long time. She is insistent on this, and so is he. Her lips are soft against his and he could feel her heart beating against his. Gradually, their heartbeats slowed to beat as _one._ Gradually, their lips covered each other's and nothing else in the world mattered but them. Ziva was grateful to have him back, she was grateful that his heart remembered _hers._ Her Tony was still in this man afterall. _Her_ Very Special Anthony DiNozzo is still buried in him. He feels like him too.

His eyes looked at hers, welling up with the _most passionate love_ that she ever seen in a man. The passionate love for her. They stopped, and she grinned foolishly. The sensation built up in their bodies as they both know where they are headed next. Without thinking, he pulled her in once more. Soon, she gripped his clothes as they pulled them off _together._

She missed this kind of intimacy with him.

Only being intimate with him, she feels _whole._

He craved for _her._

It's just _her._

Their naked, heated bodies found their way to the bed as she fell on top of him. Beaming brightly, all the hurt, all the pain left her. Whatever Bodnar did to her Tony, it failed. Because he wanted to tear them apart, but _nothing_ can tear them apart. Their hands and lips found every part of each other's bodies. Breathless, he whispered near her neck, "Ziva.. You asked me if you said loved me, would it change anything. Yes, yes, it changes _everything_. I love you more. My heart wants _you._ I don't recall our memories, but _my heart remembers you._ I will return to you."

"And I love you too, Tony." She said breathlessly and slowly rolled by his side. His bed is small but they will make it work. Her fingers interlaced with his tightly, and he gave her the look he did when they were in Berlin. The look he gave her when they danced.

He deserves her love.

_They deserved one another._

* * *

Somewhere a clock is ticking. Somewhere, crickets sang loudly as the air smelt of stale water. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, a man watched as the two lovebirds enjoyed themselves. He watched and smile evilly to himself as he sharpened his knife. Because what these two shared, it wasn't going to last. He will make sure that it _doesn't._

He saw the 10 seconds they shared in the car. And he made sure he tore them apart.

She's finding joy now and he isn't pleased. He isn't' pleased at all.

He wanted her to suffer because her father made him suffer hell.

A video-call came through, and he is facing the man who knows what he feels.

"Get what I want, and terminate _him_ or _her."_ A man with a thick Israeli accent ordered.

The called ended abruptly. Either her or him, it was his choice. Terminate her, he doesn't have to see her again. Terminate him and she suffers forever.

He doesn't know what choice he should make.

_Terminate him or her. Simple._

* * *

**A/N: Hang on. Believe in me.**


	17. Flames

**A/N: Hello everyone! I am extremely sorry for this late update but recently, I have been out alot with my family, watching late night movies - Therefore, the late update! Anyways, there is quite the amount of fluff in this chapter, and as usual, I hope you enjoy! And a tremendous thank you to all reviews and followers! - Sharmane**

_"Get what I want, and terminate him or her." A man with a thick Israeli accent ordered._

_The called ended abruptly. Either her or him, it was his choice. Terminate her, he doesn't have to see her again. Terminate him and she suffers forever._

* * *

The morning light rolled in as it gently illuminated their room, the soft rays fell on her hair, giving it a tender shine. The rise and fall of her chest, the loud snoring, the way her arms were spread across him amazes him. Her beauty just never ends. He smiled brightly as his fingers thread through her luscious hair, stroking it over and over. It was the taste of devouring rush. His head laid back against the pillow, he cheekily thought of the fun they can have together. The fun they will share together for endless months and years to come. He chuckled slightly, anticipating the thought of waking up to this princess. A_ rare gem._ He was so glad they reconciled.

They deserved each other.

She stirred slightly, leaned herself closer to him, taking in his scent. Her leg crossed over his, as she yawned, her twinkling eyes fluttering open. Her gaze fell onto his, and she saw the look he gave her in Berlin. She grinned, settling her body comfortably against his. He pulled her close, and she snuggled near him.

_It was paradise._ One in reality. They could do this forever.

"Well, last night was fun." She said, twirling his hair. Moving her lips to his, she playfully placed a kiss, biting his lips. He responded, caressing hers in return. She gave a coy smile as she rolled on top of his muscular body. They rubbed noses gently together as the scent of love lingered heavily in the air.

"It was. And we can just keep doing this, can we? I love you, Ziva." He held her face gently, staring deep into her eyes, showing her that this is true.

"I love you too." She cupped her hands over _his,_ making sure that he sees the love shining in those dark eyes of hers. "I love you so much... Promise that you will _never_ leave me again._ I want this to be real."_ Her voice took on a serious tone as her eyes pierced into his.

His fingers moving lightly against her jawline, he pulled her in, his lips deeply covering hers. They stopped for a while, savouring the moment. "I will never leave you again. I _promise._" A soft smile went up his face and hers as well.

They were so mushy and it didn't matter. His memories didn't matter. _He mattered._ Right now, she wants to live like this and love like this forever.

"Ziva, I want you to know.. I want _us_ to be like this forever. _I love you_, never doubt that. My memories may be gone but my heart _isn't_. I am sorry if I ever hurt you." His hands scaled her naked back, as he continued, "I will _never_ hurt you again. I promise. Having you in this world is paradise." A nervous smile spreaded across, as he awaited anxiously for her response.

"Tony... Because of the crash, you leaving, I am afraid that one day, I will open my eyes and.. you _won't be there._ I am _afraid_ that what we have is not real. I am so afraid to lose you again._ I don't ever want to lose you."_

Her lips quivered slightly, as she let out a long breath. He floundered a little but found an answer, the truth. "Ziva... I don't want you to be afraid, I want you to look into my eyes and see that I am_ determined to spend the rest of my life with you."_ His eyes, the way his eyebrows knitted slightly, the tone of love in his voice - He is speaking the truth. "I know. We won't let go, we will _never let go."_ Her hands reached to interlace her fingers with his - it lasted for _more than 10 seconds_- and his fingers interlaced back.

* * *

He watched as they made love, he watched as the thing they called love was held dear. He watched as they rubbed their noses together in unison. He watched as he planned.

Planning how to_ rip_ everything away from their bare hands.

A sly smile curled up, he was just a pawn in this game. The real master, was the man he took orders from. He doesn't mind being a pawn, as long as he can exact revenge. The wolves were still howling. He grinned cruelly, knowing that he was about to destroy what they have. Ziva David. Her father - has done so much evil- so did she, but yet he still stuck by his side because there was no leaving. And she did not deserve to have such happiness in life. She didn't. The video call came again, but the screen was black as usual.

"Change of plans. Take whoever you want and await for my orders. I want him or her to be alive. While waiting, you can exact your revenge. But I want him or her alive." The thick, deep voice came again. It ended as suddenly as it came.

Everything was planned. He was just the pawn in this game. This game just went large scale. The air smells heavily of dried leaves, the morning dew. Birds chirped - it was a beautiful day - a day he was about to destroy into smithereens. It was longer beautiful, then. It now reeked of evil.

Ziva David was oblivious.

_Her world was about to be rocked._

Grabbing his go-pack, he stood up, cleared everything in this run-down area. He made sure not to leave even a dust, a fibre of his being here. In about half an hour, he will reach the place they stay. In about half an hour, he will choose who to grab.

He will just take whoever's home. If both were, he will grab the man.

The clock is ticking loudly.

* * *

They were still laying in bed, words of their promise still strong in their hearts. She snuggled so close to him, wisps of her hair brushed his face. He chuckled, as he wrapped his arms around her body. Her gorgeous body. Oh god, those dimples on her back. Everything piece of her was just dazzling, everything they share was just _beautiful_, tears formed in his eyes, just seeing her so happy. The thing is, how should they live now?

Together, of course.

"What are you thinking about?" Her honey coated voice soothed his ears, the voice he can wake up to everyday now. Kissing her lightly on the ears, he replied, "About how we can live now?" Warmth and love reflected in her face, as she said words that made him love her more. Loving her more was always possible.

"Well... I can go to work. You can be your manager. And we can live in your apartment. And you can make me pancakes. I can um... give you _this._" She bit his lips again tastefully, and brushed her nose against his again. "You can love me. I love you, of course. It's a package deal, Tony. One that only _I_ can offer." She licked her lips playfully, as she narrowed her fiery eyes.

"Well, Ziva.. I love this plan. And you. I can give you _paradise on my knees._ I can give you _paradise on a golden platter._ And I give you, me. Memories may be gone but I am here. I will always be here. To be a_ friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on,_ and of course, be more than a friend." His pinky finger hooked onto hers. Once more, they kissed deeply, a smile spreading across their faces.

"You know, Tony. You once told me that. That you will be my friend to talk to, my shoulder to cry on. You're still the same to me, I can see it, I can hear it, I can feel it. Like this scar," She ran her hands on that scar, "It's our scar. It's permanent and so is our love."

"I love you so much."

It was the answer they both needed to hear. Slowly, she got up - awful realization that she had work. It was getting late, and Mcgee will be very worried. He is her big brother, and ever since the crash, he just became more protective. She enjoyed that. Ari loved her, very much so. He held her hand tightly as they crossed the road, and their fingers interlocked. It was such a habit that she was pretty sure he wasn't aware that he was doing.

And when he stopped doing it because he joined Mossad, she was so sure the road grew to be twice as large.

Interlocking fingers was a sacred thing to her.

Quickly changing into a white blouse and a black leather jacket with jeans, she pecked him on the cheek, holstering her gun. She held his hand while standing for a little while.

"I will be back soon, I promise. Love you."

"I love you too." And her hand slip away as she left the room. He heard the sound of keys and the lock turning as she left.

Now, every morning he can experience this love. Chuckling to himself, he got up too, determined to prepare the perfect dinner for his love.

* * *

He stood in front of the doorstep, and he heard the sounds of cutlery and pans clinking against each other, well someone is making food. He saw Ziva walked out of the building from afar, and stealthily made his final move. Now that he's here, he will take Tony down. It should be really simple, given that he is well- trained and not drunk like Rivkin had been. Tapping his foot against the floor, he chewed on his cigar, and pressed the doorbell.

The water boiling, and the gas was on. Tony heard the ringing doorbell and thought that it was Ziva. Putting down the knife - not knowing that he needed it - he rushed to and swung the door open.

Tony was pistol whipped, and next he knew, the lights went out.

Time for a final touch up. Pouring thick kerosene till it dripped on every small corner of the house, he threw his cigar behind him, and dragged an unconscious Tony out by the stairwell.

The lighted cigar slowly fell through the air... and flames ignited upon it's contact on the floor. Like a spectacular fireworks, fierce hungry flames made their way through every crook and cranny. It was a wildfire none could control.

The gas was still on.

The shockwave blast was so powerful, it shattered the windows, it _ripped everything apart_ violently.

Ziva was still walking, a grin on her face when it all happened. A loud bang, as people fled, screamed as people cowered on the ground, as ashes filled the air. Chaos erupted as cars stopped, as the roads stopped.

"Tony." Her legs working, she shoved everyone out of her way and sprinted up to his apartment. Everything was covered in thick, black smoke - she could barely see anything - smoke seared her lungs piece by piece._ 'Tony!"_ Staggering, she made her way to their home.

What she saw before her had her crying in shock, had her on her very knees. Pieces of the ceiling, pieces of everything fell viciously in a fiery rage. The rumbling of debris falling deafened her ears - the chunk of ceiling by the door _blocked_ her way from getting to him. The barrage of shaking, the debris falling - It was torturous hell on this earth. She couldn't see Tony at all. She couldn't reach him at all. _ Oh god, oh god Tony._ Oh god, she couldn't even make anything of this mess. Tony... The flames licked everything they had amassed, it brought their home into mere ashes and dust.

The heat singed her skin, and she found the strangling voice to call for her love.

He has no training in this sort of situations. No recollection of it at all.

_"It's my job to protect you."_

It's her job. She failed.

_"Tony!"_ She gasped in between tears, a strangled cry from the heart. "Tony! Answer me! Are you in_ there?_!" She screamed into the hell that sat before her, clenching her fists so tight, her bones threatened to break. Ziva was wracked with sobs, her tear stained face smeared with ashes, strands of her hair-ends burned by the heat. None of that mattered, because all she saw now is this pile of ash, pile of flames, and _no Tony._ She stood helplessly, tears in constant streams running down the bridge of her nose, as her heart was_ torn apart,_ and stomped upon. Falling to her knees, she watched as her love was incinerated by the fire. The surge of heat engulfed her body, as she inhaled toxic smoke that took out pieces of her_ soul,_ pieces of her lungs.

_"Tony..."_ She whimpered, rendered helpless.

* * *

_"I don't ever want to lose you."_

_"I am determined to spend the rest of my life with you."_

_"We won't let go, we will never let go."_

**A/N: Guess that we have to see what happens next! :)**


	18. Ashes

**A/N: I am so sorry for the late update! I always try to update by 5 days but this time, I was really busy, therefore the late update! I might update later again, due to the overwhelming activities I have planned, maybe next week? :) I listened to Aliyah TV Score for one of the scenes and maybe you could too, I will tell you when. You can stop the horizontal line at the end of the scene - you will know where ! I loved all the reviews, the constructive feedback! I appreciate every single one of them! Thank you! Keep the reviews going! - Sharmane**

* * *

"Gibbs... Gibbs...He's gone.." Her voice laced thick with tears, her fingers shook while holding her mobile phone. Her heartbeat was stolen from her. He was clueless, because he thought Tony had already left. But Ziva crying into the phone shattered his heart and he just wanted to tell her that it's all going to be okay. She hardly let tears slip, and when she does, it meant something really bad just happened.

'Ziver, calm down. Tell me what happened." He said more firmly, in a futile attempt to soothe her.

"I don't know ..Gibbs...there's an.." She couldn't say the word out, because it just made reality ever more_ real,_ more vivid. Choking on sobs, she looked as firemen rushed to the apartment, not giving a crap about anything else. This was real. _"explosion."_ Barely even speaking, she ended the call.

* * *

_Aliyah Tv Score on play** Repeat**_

* * *

Everything was reduced to mere ashes, everything was perished in the flames. The love they shared, was consumed by the fire. Ziva stood silently in the corner, her eyelashes wet with fresh tears. Folding her arms, her head down - she tried to hold back a choked sob while waiting for Gibbs. Those hands of _hers_, _once_ raked up and down his muscular form. Those hands of _hers_,_ once_ intertwined with _his_. Those hands of hers, _once_ touched him. Her face stained with tears and soot, she stared at burnt pile of things. Firemen whizzed past her, people panicked and ran past her - and she stood alone in the corridor, feeling the weight of world crushing her heart into smithereens. Whispers hung in the air, so did the smell of toxic smoke. Her hair matted, it clung to her sweaty face and she made no effort to brush it off. No one asked why a weeping woman stood in the middle of this mess, no one asked why she was leaking tears of grief. She was no longer shocked, just _empty._ Her grief turned inside herself, as tears slowly ceased. In her eyes was the place of revenge, sadness deep within. Those barriers stood tall as her Mossad facade, the facade only Gibbs and Tony tore down, went in place.

Ziva David was alone surrounded by a mass of people but she felt so _alone._

Tony's hands once tenderly brushed her hair behind her ears. "I am determined to spend the rest of my life with _you._"

His life is over as she knew it. So was hers.

_"The ones who gets too close, always end up dead." _

She doesn't get why every time she loves someone - They end up dead. Anyone she loves dies in the end, because they were close to her. The jinx. The girl who lost her whole family and she just lost her partner. It's almost as if, she unable to love anyone. Biting her lips, all she felt like was _dying_ too. Tony is _gone._ Gone and _dead_. She knows that it was a rash conclusion to make, but with debris falling, the inferno hell before her - What else should she expect. She didn't even see him, or hear him screaming. If he had escaped, he would have enough sense to call her, or make his way back here.

It's stupid, his last words were, "I love you too."

At least they had _last night_. At least they made love, passionately, outside the boundaries of work. Their lips touched, so did their hands. At least they shared_ last night._

That night shall be the last night they ever share together. The only night their bodies will ever_ feel_ each other. Her teeth gnawing her lips so hard, she pulled back the hot tears churning at the back of eyes. But her heart gave out and tears coursed down soot covered face, and sobs wracked her soul. Struggling to breathe, she slid down the walls, her knees brought up against her chest.

She and Tony started off as mere friends - though they both knew the minute their eyes first locked - this was a _new_ beginning of their lives. It was _Tony,_ who risked his entire career for her, it was _Tony_ who went to the depths of Somalia to bring her _home_ after she betrayed his heart. It was _Tony_, who showed her how she shouldn't bottle everything up - it was _he_, who changed her entire life completely. His memories, may be lost to him but those actions touched her heart and left imprints in her life. Imprints that marked their love.

She couldn't imagine a future without _him._

Everyone passed by her as if she didn't exist. Once, she didn't exist in Tony's world and when she made her way to the depths of his heart, he left. She cried non-stop, her head down, making loud ragged breaths as she tried to calm herself down. Her chest was constricting as overwhelming grief, and panic consumed her. Panic caved in because the thought of never seeing his face, never touching it again was a stab to her heart. She ran out of _chances_ to kiss him, to make love with him, to tell him that she loved him. Closing her eyes, she pursed her lips tightly and thought about the morning before this disaster.

The way his fingers thread through her luscious hair, stroking it over and over.

The way their noses rubbed gently together as they snuggled close.

The way his fingers thread slowly along her jawline.

The way he made her feel _special._

His ghost touch tingled along her jawline, as her fingers reaching to touch her it running a trail along it. When she was lost in their newfound memories, a hand lightly patted on her shoulder.

"Ziver." Gibbs gruff's voice was a break from all the chaos in her head. Sighing brokenly, he sat alongside her, bringing her close to him. Her face turned to bury in his shoulder, loud sobs causing her body to tremble.

The last time he saw her like that was when she lost Eli.

He swore to God, he never want to see his daughter's heart broken again. The mess before him was unthinkable, ashes poisoned the air and what was once an apartment is now a pile of ruins.

No one could have survived the explosion. He has seen all kinds and this - was beyond bad. Ziva's sobs slowly ceased, her blurry eyes facing his as she tried to speak. He held back tears because he wanted to be strong for her, for the team. He hasn't break the news to everyone yet, he wanted to confirm what was going on.

"Tony... and I, we saw each other. And we came here, spent on the night making up to each.. other." She paused, as her words got caught in her throat. Gibbs' eyes bore into hers and she knew that he understood. The explosion, it all makes sense. It makes sense as to why she is so distraught - and the horrifying truth of it all.

Tony never made it. Whatever caused the explosion, he never made it. And a tear slipped because... Tony is his son. This funny agent who went through thick and thin with him for over ten years.

He lost Kate. He almost lost Ziva to Somalia. But Tony. His hands rubbing his face, he held out his hand for Ziva to help her up. She gave him a blank look, all the life seeping away from her soul. The tears were gone, and he knew this all too well.

The very thing he was afraid of for years.

This is Ziva they were talking about. The reason why he trusted her so much is not only because of Ari. It is because, when he looked into her eyes - he saw loss, he saw _himself_. The similarities between them were striking, and sometimes he thought of Kelly. Ziva has healed him more than anyone could have.

Her heart has been hardened after all the hurt and Tony managed to reach out to soften the barriers she protected herself with. He could sense that they always had a strong connection. And now. Ziva's heart just went back up, stronger than before and he's afraid. Afraid that she's using the grief, turning it against herself, and that she will start blaming herself for everything.

She slowly got up, her lips pursed tightly. Her hands shaking, she took a brave step into the apartment, and everything came flooding back... all the memories. The _kiss,_ them _making love_, them talking, them _watching "The Little Prince"._ Them doing _everything_ together. The apartment she is staring at now, is the apartment before the explosion. Turning over to couch, the black mess - she saw them, his arms around her, watching a movie. Her eyes sharply glancing to the living area, she saw them kissing after reconciling. Taking a few steps in, the room. The room in which... their naked tangled bodies touched. The room in which he told her... that he wants to spend forever with her. Blinking back tears, she looked at the place - if it happened just after she left... it was impeccable timing. Impeccable.

No such things as coincidences... but was fate playing her for real this time? Did life choose to take Tony away from her at all costs when they just got together? The crash.

_This._

She didn't understand. Maybe after years and years of losing people, years of not trusting - she still did not _deserve_ to be happy. She never depended on happy endings - but she let Tony be an exception.

Tony was _her_ happy ending. She depended him for hope... she shouldn't have. Now the truth is ever more present, ever more painful.

"Gibbs. What if this was pre-meditated?" Folding her arms, she stared through tears at the silver fox who never failed to make her smile.

"It can be. What does your gut tell you?"

_The next time you don't trust your judgement, it won't be almost._

"That this was too much of a coincidence? Sorry... I can't really think right now." The place was so ever present yet her mind was just him.

"Don't believe in coincidences, Ziver. Let the Arson Unit do their jobs. Go home, take a shower. Rest. Update you on any findings." He ordered, injecting the right amount of strictness yet gentleness to it. Girl was a wreck...her heart's a mess. For once, she listened to Gibbs on this one. Because she really can't put her mind to anything but _him._

He walked past her, squeezing her hand just like he did eight years ago, in his basement.

"Gibbs. I think I might go to your place, I can't go to my apartment because..."_ Of Tony._ His name lingered in her throat, as if caught. Because her apartment is all him. She's all him. Even saying his name hurts so much.

"I understand. You have everything you need in my cupboard. You know which one." He smiled lightly, in humor.

She has her basic clothes, her shampoo in his house. Because after Somalia, he couldn't count the number of times she stayed over, be it just to observe him polish wood in silence or talk. But it was comfortable silence. Sometimes, she couldn't sleep and they would have a drink or two. He never spoke unless she spoke. It was this thing, he was grateful for. The ability to "communicate" like father and daughter. She was always different after Somalia, and everyone understood that but they never asked, knowing the boundaries.

"I know." She said simply, and maybe he saw a ghost of a smile curl up her face as she turned to walk away. Gibbs sighed in grief, watching her petite figure disappearing down the hallway.

He just prayed to God that Tony wasn't incinerated into those ashes.

* * *

Tony awoke, feeling his head throbbing as if something was knocking hard against his skull, over and over. He could hear water dripping, making hard sounds against the ground. The air reeked of cigar, rain and something he can't quite make out. His eyelids were smacked shut as they refused to pry open. His right hand was immobile, as he could feel the cold metal searing his flesh, and immediately the surging pain caused him to force open his eyes. The ceiling seemed to be close to him, as he could make nothing out. It was dark, grimy... the only light ray shone from a tiny square window. He can now clearly make out the dust in the air, as the light illuminated it. Sitting on a cold, rough floor in a dingy cell he assumed - fear overwhelmed him because all this was unfamiliar. The room, the situation.

"Anyone out there?!" Shaking violently on his chains, he yelled but his voice cracked, his throat gone dry. There was a door, a cement door - he can't reach it, his one hand chained to the wall. Kicking in a rage, he knew that there was no way out of this. Drained of energy, the distance sounds of footsteps approached him, getting closer and closer. Grabbing another chance, he forced out, "Anyone?! Help me!". Deep down his heart, he knew that it was probably useless. Shackled to the wall, he sighed in defeat as the walls seemed to close in on him.

The sound of metal keys turning the lock, he watched as a man gently opened the door, his hand carrying a thick brown paper file.

'Who are you?" He challenged him, but this man just gave a sly smile, a twinkle of his eye and dropped that file on the floor. Tony's pupils travelled down to the file in curiosity, his eyes still staring at the man in hatred and disgust.

"Ziva David." Big black bold letters stood out prominently in the front.

"Who I am does not matter. You used to know me. But read this file, and tell me about your girlfriend again." With a curt answer, he turned to walk off.

"Hey! Let me out of these!" Violently wringing himself out, the attempt only made the metal bruise his skin more, leaving angry red imprints. Despite everything, the thick file is the only thing that stood out. It is beckoning him to read it when he is all alone in the cell.

Ziva... the woman who touched his soul in ways he never imagined. Making love with her, was_ paradise_. She's so beautiful. His heart ached at the thought of her words. And a lone tear escaped.

_"I don't ever want to lose you."_

Moving his pained body closer to the file, his other free hand flipped the cover. He braced himself for what he was about to see.

_Nothing prepared him for this._

"Torture."

"Exacted on Subject A."

"Successful in extraction of information."

"Total time: 12.5 mins."

"Subject A: Died by torture."

His eyes pored over pictures, information, of Ziva David. A _different_ woman, a woman who did the extreme. Not his playful, giggling, loving Ziva. His world came crashing down hard as he questioned all he ever knew. It wasn't much, but he thought he got Ziva _right._ He thought he knew _her_. He thought his heart knew _her._

She wasn't the woman he thought she _was._

* * *

**A/N: Hang on! It is now a ride! **


	19. The Past

**A/N: Hello everyone! I would like to apologize if my work hasn't been good. I don't think that it is. I thank everyone for reading this story all the way, you guys are awesome! Sorry for the extremely long update, I am so sorry. My muse decided to fly to Narnia or something, plus I was busy (I am always busy, life is horrible) - Deep apologies here.**

**This chapter may not be my best work, but as always, I hope you enjoy it. Following Monday, I will be in the boarding school (no wifi) but I will update once I grab it! - I will try, to update within two weeks to one week. Can't leave you guys hanging. Please review! - Sharmane**

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The cell disappeared around him as the only thing in existence was this file right before him. Ziva, to him, was this sweet, strong woman who is just pure unique. Flipping the crumpled pages faster and faster, he saw a different Ziva David - one who is merciless. And he wondered, if he really knew her at all. His heart wanted to believe her so badly, that she isn't this cold-hearted person, but the evidence before him was astounding. What is this man's purpose for handing him this file? His mind was a wreck and so was his heart. Confusion rippled the end of his nerves, as he questions himself repeatedly if she is a good person.

_"You're a good person."_

She once spoke to him, saying that with all her heart. Where is she now, and did she ever find out that he is no longer there? It sickened him to think that she's out there, oblivious to all that is happening. She didn't want to lose him, but she just did. The thing is, did she lose his heart? Because now, his heart is standing on two different sides - one loving Ziva, the part that will never change despite everything and one that has so much doubts, tearing their relationship. And he is in this madness, clueless about everything. He didn't know why is he here, or why this file was shown to him.

Was it meant to sever their relationship or was it meant for him? Because, what if the old him knew all these facts? Tony was caught in the state of extreme distress, confronted with all this new information - He can't process it all. Shaking his head in an effort to clear his mind, he could see the light coming from the window dimming.

And he wanted Ziva beside him. They were supposed to have dinner, happily discussing about where they are going. Maybe they could have made love again. Yet, they were separated - he captured, she who may be oblivious. And it devastates him to think that another tragedy has happened.

He wanted to believe that her past does not matter. Should it? She was aware that his past is all gone, but she loved him all the same.

Love should work both ways. If one accepts love, you accept all the faults of the one you love, right_?_ She accepted his - And he should give her a chance to explain herself.

Yet, this side of Ziva is _shocking,_ it is just blowing his mind. _Torture._ She is a woman capable of getting anything she wanted by the means of exacting physical pain. Torture was barbaric, yet she is capable of it. This new him now cannot come to terms with this. He couldn't grasp that she was a torturer. It just wasn't _her._

The door slowly opened as the man slowly stepped in, a malicious grin spreading across his face.

"Ziva, eh? The woman you went to bed with - could have killed you in less than _three_ seconds." He spoke smugly and spat at him. Tony cringed in absolute disgust, and retorted, "I love her. Man like you don't deserve a chance to be loved by a woman."

"You talk to me like that again, and I will snap your little neck right now." Speaking harshly, he forcefully grabbed his hair and pulled his head back, "What do you think of Ziva David now? She is not your lovely girlfriend, is she?" Letting go of his grip, he awaited his response. He did that to cause mistrust between them - Tony lost his memories, and he didn't deserve to have a chance to be with Ziva again. They didn't deserve happiness, not when he's around. Tony glared at him with hatred, his eyes pooling with immense confusion, yet determination.

But this didn't know the depths of their relationship.

_What do you think of Ziva David now?_

Ziva was an enigma he knew he would never get to unravel completely, she was fun, beautiful, everything his heart desires. But the depths of her, deep down he sensed she was kind at heart. Her eyes reflected someone who has been a lot - he has this sixth sense about her even though they didn't know each other for long. He doesn't even know his past, now he has seen hers, he couldn't quite make a judgement about her. It didn't make him trust her less, he didn't love her less because of this, either. Just doubts. Just how _much_ of weapon she is.

_She is a woman who waited for you, Tony. Even though you lost the memories you two shared- she never stopped loving you. She never stopped believing that you two could work out. Two months you left her, did she love you any less? Does her past matter? Should her past matter? Yours didn't matter. You don't even have a past now, the past so sacred shared between you and Ziva._

_Can the present truly rewrite the past?_

It did. It wrote new pages in their relationship. It rewrote the past he lost. And new chapters in their lives. Chapters still left to uncover. He lost his memory, lost the pages of their partnership but she took his hand and together, they wrote a new, happy story that satisfied them both.

Her hands was still in his, and they were wielding the pen that will decide their future. It is the matter of whether he stops writing it. The only one left holding the pen would be her.

"I love her." He spoke, his tone with an air of finality to it. He loved Ziva - unconditionally. Doubts were there, but it doesn't change the fact that he loves her. The man tilted his head slightly, his jaw tensed and he was about to open his mouth when shots rang out and deafened both of them. A high pitched ringing noise was stuck in his ears, as he was paralyzed with fear.

The next few seconds was a blur. The next thing he knew, the cuffs were off him - Men in thick black suits with sniper rifles hoarded the room, shouting commands, and dragging him out of his cell. Their strong grip wrapped around his arms as their strength lifted him up, pulling his weary and tired body.

His heart pounding wildly against his flesh, he looked around frantically, searching, searching. The man was gone.

He was searching to see her face and he doesn't know why. In the chaos, he wanted to see Ziva.

The burst of light hit him and he knew that he was out of his captivity. His feet treaded against wet, muddy ground, the smell of weather after raining and the morning dew filled his nostrils. The bright searing lights blinded his eyes, he saw nothing.

But he knew that he was out of that hellhole, and that's all that mattered at that point, despite his confusion.

And in a matter of seconds, exhaustion took him over and he fell into darkness.

* * *

Ziva didn't head to Gibbs house, she barely had the energy to do it. She didn't what to do anymore, her mind was so _screwed up_, so overwhelmed. She walked on by the streets, pressing her lips in a tight line, as her hair gently swayed with the breeze.

All her life, she only ever wanted to alter her fate towards something better - and most of all, she wanted to be in love in someone, to have that someone love her back.

She wants that someone to stay in her life. She wants to grow old in the arms of someone she loves. She wants people to stay. All those things she never had the chance to experience, for _good._

Her life was a beautiful disaster. She has been thinking, what if they were like the car crash? Always heading somewhere, only to be in a wreck - they were a car wreck. What if they were never destined to be together?

Tomorrow was another day; she was reluctant to believe about everything that happened. Tomorrow meant that life _goes_ on.

Going on without him. No, she can't accept that. It was all too_ fast,_ and time slipped away from her hands - the time day spent, after realizing that they were deeply in love, it wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough. It will never be enough.

Her hand was a perfect fit to his, he was her sign that she should protect hope. He was the sign from God that she must have hope, and when this sign is destroyed, her hope crumbled away slowly. Her life is lost. Her heart was so numb, tears couldn't find their way out, she can't feel the breeze, or the warm rays of the morning sun. She just had this sinking feeling, and when he's gone, she's feels like dying so damned much.

_Her life meant nothing without Tony._

She walked, and walked and walked aimlessly till a group of street dancers caught her attention. Slowly, she looked up only to see them gracefully portraying everything in every single move they make. It only reminded her of when Tony and her danced and the day he confessed to her, "I want to see you dance, y'know. As in ballet." But back then, they were still co-workers flirting around as usual, so she never acceded to this tiny little request. Nor did she take note of it at all. Struggling not to cry in public, she hastened her steps, her head hung as low as possible.

Her phone rang loudly. All she wanted now is to be alone to her thoughts, she just wanted to throw her phone away. But the caller ID indicated that it was Gibbs.

"Yeah Gibbs." She spoke, trying not to sound as if she can break down any given moment. She must hold her ground.

"Tony's alive." Gibbs heaved a sigh of relief, his hands trembling as he held the phone. His son is alive, nothing else really mattered at the moment.

Taken aback, she gasped. Unable to process what she just heard, no words came. Her heart lurched, she can't decide if this was real, or what is going on.

"What do you mean, he's alive?" Forcing out, she asked, her jaw still agape. Her palms are getting calmy with every passing second as confusion yet relief hung in the air. _I saw the explosion, I was there, no one could've made it. No one._

"FBI raid. Will explain when you get to Bethesda. He's shaken, but he's fine." He said gruffly, wanting her to come as quickly as possible. Hanging up, he left Ziva in the middle of the streets, shocked. A small choked laugh of happiness, joy escaped her lips as she realized, that she hadn't lost him. Her hand covered her mouth as tears of relief fell from her eyes. Bethesda was a five minute walk away - she broke into a run. A run to see Tony.

He's alive.

She hadn't lost him after all.

* * *

She stepped into his ward, only to find him soundly asleep. Nurses told her that he will be out for a little while. Cuts lined his face, bruises an angry purplish black. Slowly taking steps forward, she sat beside his bed, her fingers stroking his jawline, taking in his warmth with tears of love and relief welling in her eyes. _"You're alive."_ She said raggedly, pressing her lips to his closed - yet warm - ones. "You're alive." Repeating her words, once again an inaudible cry escaped her. Holding his hand, she croaked out a whisper, "I love you. You know, I thought I lost you. I thank God for allowing us to be together, even though we played with fate."

Gibbs walked in, pushing the door open softly. "He's alive. My boy didn't have permission to die." He chuckled, motioning her to come out of the room. The look in her eyes stated that she's not leaving him. "Need to tell you something. About his capture." Ziva stiffened, and saw another stranger hovering outside the corridor of the hospital, pacing around.

"I'll be back." Promising him, she let go of his fingers and walked out, the door closing softly behind her. Her features quickly moulded into a determined one, a fierce aura taking over her. Hissing, she glared at the stranger and before Gibbs could even stop her, she has her hands to the guy's neck - pinning him against the wall.

"You know who did this to him?" And her grip tightened, her eyes narrowing. The man gasped air, his hands struggling in mid-air as he headed face to face with this deadly woman. He couldn't speak for her vice grip cut off his airway. "Answer me you bastard!" She yelled menacingly, "I swear... if you don't tell me, I can do so much worse to you." Her lips curled upwards to reveal a sly, coy smile. Letting go, she breathed through her clenched teeth, leaving the man gagging for air. Gibbs didn't stop her, because he knew that she wouldn't kill a man like this. Trust in Ziva, was what he had though the entire corridor turned to watch the spectacle with gasps of shock.

"I'm... George...FBI." His body bending forwards, still sucking air into his lungs. What he saw in the room was a sweet loving woman reconciling with her loved one, he wasn't expecting a weapon the minute she laid eyes on him. Her movements were deft, agile - he wasn't expecting a change of scenery. He had hope that she would be calm.

'Continue on." Ziva ordered curtly, hell bent on squeezing every little information out of this man. Fear was instilled in this man. He staggered back as Ziva walked towards him.

"This knucklehead had eyes on Bodnar, and his mentor, which was someone else in Mossad but they withheld it from NCIS. They took them out. " Gibbs answered calmly, closing in on the terrified agent.

"You...you guys, didn't need to know!" He sputtered out, his back hitting against the wall as the two people were now an inch apart.

"The hell we didn't! That bastard, killed my father!" Snarling, she whipped out her gun, the barrel pressing against the agent's chest. "Withholding information? You want to know what Bodnar did?" Her fingers at the trigger, she continued, "He shot my father, two rounds to the chest. That's what he did. And I can do it to you now. Trust me, I can. If you withholding information, caused that man to be on that hospital bed, I swear to God, I will make your life_ hell_ on earth." Rage tingled at the tips of her nerves as months of anger all came pouring out. "Trust me, you don't want that."

"Ziver, easy. Put the gun away." Reluctantly she holstered her weapon, still hissing. Gibbs soothing voice reminded her that she must control, though when it comes to people like this agent, there shouldn't be control.

"Spit it out." Gibbs demanded angrily, because no one gets away from hurting his family. "No one hurts my family and get away with it." He added threateningly, breathing down the agent's neck.

"We... had eyes on Bodnar. He was ordered to grab you or that man-"

"Tony, his name is Tony." Ziva interjected.

"Right. Tony. We watched him for weeks...as he planned to get you two." Gulping, he saw them narrowing their eyes. "Waiting for the right moment to take him down...I wasn't part of it, I swear, I wasn't! You gotta believe me, I am just the analyst." Pleading out of his wits, he tried to move back, only to have the wall blocking him. "We killed Bodnar in the raid." Explaining slowly, he studied their reactions. There was none.

_I always wanted him to suffer._ These were her thoughts, Bodnar didn't deserve to die a painless death, he should have a painful life in prison, being ridiculed. Or worse, Mossad would have tortured him senseless and no one would know at all. But torturing was not her thing. Not anymore. That belonged to Mossad and she was no longer Mossad.

"Okay." Chorusing in unison, they moved back, giving the man space.

"Why did you withhold information?" Ziva asked strictly.

'Because your team tends to go rogue when loved ones are involved." He replied shortly, only to get a reply from Gibbs.

"Because our team places family ties above everything. The things we do, we do it for family." George held his gaze at Gibbs for a while, neither men saying a word. Then he turned to leave.

* * *

Ziva let out a long breath, glad that all this charade was over. Walking back to Tony's room, she realized that he's awake. Rushing happily towards his side, she rubbed her hands together and spoke.

"Hey there, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, thank you." His voice was just different somehow, as he averted her sight. His eyes didn't meet hers and he was behaving all... _awkward._ And formal. Her eyebrow quirked up slightly, surprised at his sudden change of behaviour. Maybe it was the painkillers. Her hands reached for his, but he pulled back almost quickly and she knew that something is deeply wrong.

He wasn't supposed to pull back. Not from her.

"What's wrong?" She asked gingerly, her heart hurting from him drawing back.

"Nothing." He answered, not looking at her. His movement was tense, and she knew that it must be something.

Something happened during his capture. Somalia flashed before her eyes, and she prayed that he didn't get tortured. Oh _god no,_ it can't happen to him. Her stomach twisted at that sick thought.

"Something is wrong. I know, I am trained to see such things, Tony." She replied, a tone of affection lacing her voice. Her hands found its way towards his again, and she pressed on it gently even though he tried to pull it away, she looked into his eyes, willing him to place his focus on her.

"You're also trained to torture." His eyes darkened, as he pulled away from her grasp. Her mouth went slightly ajar and she closed it again, as she froze at his words.

This was a part of her that died a long time ago, a part of her she never wanted to see it surface again. She wasn't proud of it, and dammit, she tried to change, didn't she?

"That man, gave me a file. A file about you."

So this was what this is all about. He was afraid of her, this killer, this torturer. Her spine straightened, and she knew that she needed to salvage this. Tears wanted to fall but she pushed them back - She thought she had left the past behind. She never wanted the new Tony to know this horrible side of her, not when they just begun a relationship. She was ashamed of what she has done, and she's still hung up about it at times.

The lives she took, never left her mind. It never did, she may say that she don't remember all their names, joke about it - But the truth is, she remembered every single life she took. Even though the lives she took saved lives, they haunt her sometimes, to think that her life was damaged irrevocably by Mossad, her actions leaving a black mark on her soul. Tali left her desperate for revenge, and Eli told her to work for him, she was his weapon. She was once Mossad's absolute weapon.

NCIS for her, was redemption. She's saving lives now.

"I am no longer the person I was. I took no joy in torture, or killing anyone, believe me. I am here, and I have changed. I hope that you can see past my past, it's all I hope from the person I trust." Actually, she wanted to tell him how Mossad changed her life, how Tali's death molded her into someone else but she doubt he understood. She doubt he can _ever_ understand, knowing that his memories of her are gone. "You knew me, before the crash. You came to terms with it, you never minded about my past, but rather the future." She tried explaining.

_"Then I am no longer the person I was too."_

She went absolutely still as his words carved pain into her heart. Moving away from him, she spoke without thinking, "I love you, Tony." Her eyes were moist, her lips a tight line. They weren't supposed to end like this, not by the crap she did before.

She always tried to alter her fate, but her past always caught up with her. The past can't be undone, but the present can be altered to make up for the past. Hers, can't.

"I don't love you any less, Ziva." Tenderness filled his words, both of them looking through each other like windows to each other's souls.

"Then why -"

"I cannot fathom to think about the lives you took, the lies you told to families of people you tortured_, I just can't okay?_ This is all so new. I need time to process everything."

"You don't understand how-" Attempting to save their relationship, she cut him off only to have him retort back. She never wanted to take lives, she can swear, she did it with reason.

"You're damn right I don't understand, I don't understand... how can those hands of yours...torture people. How can you bear to see their pained expressions, and go on with it, no matter how much of a criminal they are?" His voice trailed off, and he saw guilt, regret, love, hurt in those chocolate brown pupils of hers.

A tear slipped from her eyes, ran down the bridge of her nose.

_To him, I am a killer, I am a liar, I am a monster. It's who I am, isn't it? It's who I always will be. _

Her hands straightening her coat, she stood tall, and said, no doubt her voice threatening to give way to the choked sobs she concealed.

"You're right. I'm a liar. I'm a killer. Nothing beyond that. Sorry."

Holding her ground, she looked at him for one last time, painfully turned away and walked out. He didn't know, once her face was away from his, tears flowed down her cheeks like rivers non-stop. He didn't deserve a woman who's past life includes murdering people, or torturing them. He didn't deserve her.

"I didn't mean -" Tony gestured wildly, upset to see the hurt, the agony in her irises. He didn't mean to put it that way.

But she was gone, leaving him to wallow in the words he just said to her.


	20. It's Okay

A**/N: So.. I am back again. I know I say this all the time, I am extremely sorry for my hiatus. I truly am. Now I know that being busy is no excuse, but I really am and my muse flew to someplace else ever since I started boarding. This is my longest chapter of any my stories or one-shots to date! I am so sorry, I can't promise when the next chapter will be up, but this story will be continued no matter what! I know that the previous chapter wasn't that good, but I hope that this chapter turned out okay. I just want you guys to enjoy it!**

**By the way, I have not been to the US, god forgive me if I get anything wrong about places. And, please please review - they are my motivation and I love to hear your comments thus far so I know what I can incorporate into 10 seconds.**

**And once again, thank you so much for your patience and your follows or reviews! They mean a lot. - Sharmane.**

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_The past can't be undone, but the present can be altered to make up for the past._

_Can the present truly rewrite the past?_

* * *

She walked out of hospital, her tears long gone and her heart a huge tangled mess. The blast of wind hit her as she stared at all the people at the benches - more specifically, couples. Couples kissing each other in earnest love, couples holding their hands, sharing a cone of ice cream.

They all looked _happy._

They don't have to worry about their relationship hanging in a balance because one of them is a ruthless killer, or worse - one of them has no recollection of the years they spent together.

Absolutely happy, living in their love bubble. Tony and her had a love like that, before he got captured, before his mind got imprinted with her awful past. Ugly past. He was in the dark before, and she didn't bother to tell him about Mossad, about her whole self. At some point, she felt guilty for not revealing the whole truth to him - but she wanted to protect that love bubble they surrounded themselves in.

Because reality is antagonizing.

Reality was harsh, vicious and cruel. This was the ugly truth. She was in love with a man she barely knew, their relationship was hasty - they have only known each other for weeks. It wasn't eight beautiful years, it was weeks.

Question is, did she impose her love of the old Tony onto this Tony who remembered nothing? Frankly, even she couldn't find the answer. Maybe what they both wanted to see was this perfect relationship and they did.

But all this love was wrong. Because it was encased in this bubble where they deliberately pretended that the underlying flaws, the memories and past didn't matter. They did. They actually _mattered_. No matter how much they try to shove it to the back, there will be one day when it will surface to cross-examine their love. She understands that Tony is confused, it's hard on her and it's hard on him. He's coming to terms about all he ever knew about her, if he even known her in the first place. The whispers of "I love you." were all carved deep within her mind, she can't let them go. The feel of his muscular body, his lips pressing down on her neck, it was_ heaven._

Now, Tony must be thinking that the woman he went to bed with was a woman whose hands tortured mercilessly, whose hands pulled triggers without thinking.

He must be thinking if he ever knew her at all to love _her._

Her fingers trembled, as her palms faced her. She stared those palms and saw them. Flashes of screams and pain played across her mind. The people she tortured. Closing her eyes, she shook that memory off and put her hands in the pockets.

Gibbs waited by the car. He looked up, saw Ziva walking towards him, in front of the entrance of the hospital. Her hands were buried in her coat, her eyes narrowing under the blinding sun. Something felt off. She wasn't okay. It was this gut feeling he gets with Ziva all the time. Through the years, the bond they shared grew to be so strong, he just knows when she's hurting.

She's hurting now.

Standing a meter away from him, they held a gaze. Pursing her lips, she said nothing and got into the car - she didn't want to drive. She slammed the car door hard, without giving a regard. The sun was still blinding, so was everything else in her eyes. Her life was blinding. It was hard to open her eyes to face reality - to _face_ that she was _falling apart._ Tears burned at the back of her eyes as she thought about how her life derailed from the tracks and ended in a wreck.

_No crying, Ziva. You can't cry, not now._

"Where do you want to go?" He inquired gently, examining the rigid face she put on.

Silence lingered in the air.

She took in a deep breath.

"I've been lying to myself." She spoke out loud, breaking the tension between them. "All this time, I've been lying to myself. About _love_, about _Tony._ About_ my life._ There is no happy ending, there is no happily ever after, there is no true love - just disappointment one after another, Gibbs." Swallowing the lump of emotions down, she painfully continued, "All this time I have been fooling myself into thinking... into thinking that we can work out. We can't work out, we can't."

She cannot pretend that the events these past few months hadn't taken a toll on her, that her voice wasn't breaking right now.

That she wasn't _broken_. By Tony.

Her hands gesturing wildly, she fumed in anger and confusion over everything. Her face turned to face his, tears pooling under those large pleading eyes of hers, abruptly, she was reminded about her last conversation with Eli in the car. The last conversation she had with Eli - she told him that his sins were too great, she basically conveyed to him that he had no place in her heart.

She lost Tony. The man she loved for eight years, the man who know how to make it everything right - she _lost_ him. Her wounded eyes blinked rapidly, trying to battle the tears of anguish. Her fist clenched tightly as Ziva attempted to remained calm.

Gibbs covered her right fist with his calloused palm and a warm sensation ran through her veins. A fatherly love she craved her entire life from Eli, she never got it. Gibbs gave that to her and in that process, he became more of father than Eli could ever be.

"Don't bury it, Ziva. Let it go."

She didn't even realize that she was crying till he said that. The hot tears coursing down her skin, her heart tearing too._ God,_ she has really changed. Tony made her to be this person who loved him so much that it is _physically painful_ to think about him.

Admitting all the flaws in her life to Gibbs, she didn't regret it. Because Gibbs understands, he listens and even if he can't reply, he being beside her made everything a tiny bit better. But now is not the time to fall apart, now is not the time to let Tony_ break_ her. Now is not the time to be _soft._

Losses were a part of life - it was a fact. It was when the losses become so great, you just don't know how to handle anything anymore. It was when your true breaking point came.

Tony DiNozzo was Ziva David's breaking point. Him, not accepting her, broke her again. There is only so much she can tolerate. Allowing herself to break, it can't happen.

_"I can't."_ Inhaling sharply, she retracted from him and stiffened her back, staring straight ahead. Her walls were back, this time, they were taller and harder than ever. Gibbs still didn't know what happened in that hospital ward, but whatever that went down there hurt Ziva so much that she wouldn't confide in him.

Whatever that happened made her so despaired, she completely dismissed the notion that true love exists.

Because Ziva David once believed that true love exists, just that it is hard to find and fight for. Maybe this time, it was too hard. She fought for so long, and she found it. She found Tony, a true love only to see him slip away from her time and time again.

He fell into a coma but she refused to give up hope, and stood by his bedside, regardless of the fact that she can't walk.

He lost his memory and she stuck by him despite the pain.

He walked away and still, she gave them a _second chance._

She did all this because she believed that she found it, she found her happy ending. She did this because she finally realized for once, true love was within her grasp and reach. And she did all this because Tony never gave up on her, and he brought her home.

Ziva gave Tony a place to call _home._

Tony brought home to her. Both of them were a perfect fit for each other, yet fate threatened to tear them apart time after time. She lost hope, and he, as a father, wanted her to grasp hold of it again. One can only survive so long without hope.

"C'mon, I'll bring you somewhere." He proposed, placing his hands on the wheel. She stared at him incredulously but couldn't find anything to retort him so she stayed quiet, lost in her thoughts.

They drove miles and miles across on the roads, till the sun settled down into a glorious sunset. The hues of orange and pink melting into the sky, as the ball of fire blazed. He brought her to a beach. It was empty, surprisingly. The only thing there was a small wooden house, with swings outside. The sea lulled calmly, the sound of waves pleasing to their ears. For a moment, peace sounded in their hearts.

"I bought this beach. For Shannon and Kelly." Gibbs got out of the car and said, overlooking the sea and the sun. "That house over there, I built it. For Kelly. This beach, it's for them." He pointed to the house, and Ziva faced it.

It was a beautiful house. It was a house built by the beach, with swings and a playground.

"It's beautiful, Gibbs." She said breathlessly, awed by the lengths this man took for his wife and his child. It's so like Gibbs. The loving husband and father part of him.

'Why did you bring me here?" She asked, raising her voice to the sea and the wind that messed up her hair a little. The waves crashed against the shore, and it was soothing.

"To remind you that there still is hope. Shannon and Kelly, they never saw this thing I made for them. They... didn't see it." His replied dejectedly, adding on, "But Tony, he's still there. He's still _here._ You two can work it out. I have seen you two for eight years, the love is there."

"I'm not so sure _if_ he's still there, Gibbs." She said with a tone of finality, sighing. The waves continued crashing themselves against the shore, and it felt..._ therapeutic._ It calmed her heart, at the same time, a pang of sadness hit her. These are the beautiful waves, Shannon and Kelly never got to see. This beautiful act Gibbs did, they never saw it. But she did. She knew he loved Kelly, and Shannon will always be his first love. The real one, the one that made him _happy._

"Why?" He pushed her, knowing she needed but talk but she was against it because those walls that Tony softened, he put it up there again. She stayed in silence, just staring ahead at the sea.

_Because he thought that I was a killer._

_Because, maybe, I am._

_Because, our love can't even withstand the past._

Because Tony cannot accept the fact that she took so much lives, and even tortured people with her bare hands. He cannot accept the monster she once was. And she wonders, if she could ever be redeemed because of that.

"Do you believe that I can be redeemed?" She asked, brushing the back of her hand with her nose. Her question threw him off-hand, but he answered it anyways.

"Some people can't be redeemed, people that take lives without thinking. You - you're a_ good person._" She cast a glance at him, and added on, "I wasn't, before. I am not a good person, in the past. You understand that. I am not sure if I can ever be saved by my past, or if I can ever be redeemed."

Ziva is doubting whether she's a good person? For what he knows, Ziva never went down without a fight, so she _fought_ to alter her fate, despite of the setbacks life threw in her way. That's why she's here, a citizen of America. The past shouldn't matter, for all he knew, it was never her fault, it was never her fault that Eli took her into Mossad, and wielded her to be his weapon. Every life she took, extinguished part of her too. She never took pride in taking a life.

He also knew, Tali's passing hardened her further - she felt extremely guilty for not being with her, for not protecting her as a big sister. And Eli used this guilt to make her his weapon, to kill for Mossad. So she did. She took out the bad guys, she took out terrorists without breaking a sweat.

She did it for_ Tali._ Every life of a terrorist she took or tortured, she did it for Tali, maybe believing that she was avenging her all over again. Eli David irrevocably damaged his own daughter, and she was still healing and picking up the pieces left scattered. Mossad built upon that guilt of hers and now she's paying the price and the trauma of it all.

But despite everything, Ziva David had a heart of gold. She coos gently to kids, she draw apples for them, she rocks babies in her arms, she saved the lives of many, even putting her life on the line for them. She was a trained assassin, she can kill within seconds, but she took no joy doing it.

The world was hell bent on making her life so difficult.

"The past is the past, Ziva. You're here now. You're moving forward, so look forward. Don't be so hung up on the past, you forget your future. You save lives, Ziva. You never took an innocent soul, not one. Think about that. "

"I want to move forward but the past is pulling me back. It's pulling me back. I didn't forget my future, my past is _breaking_ my future."

The sea continued lapping up on the shore, as the sky darkened. The scent of sea salt hung in the air, as she took in the beauty of this place.

"It isn't just the lives I saved, Gibbs. I... _torture_ people. I hear their screams and yet I... _continued._" She stared at the sand beneath her feet. The sands never stop shifting beneath her feet for long as she knew.

"You did what you had to do at the point of time. That's all you did." He kicked some off the sand, taking in the fragrance of the sea.

"Yeah, maybe that's all I did." She muttered under her breath.

He walked over. This time, he was a meter away from her.

"Ziva David, you listen to me. You _do not get_ to beat yourself up over this. You do not get to question whether you're a terrible person or not. You have no right to, because despite of_ all the things_ you have been through in your life, you turned out to be a good person. A _good_ person. Not many people do. That's right, torturing is inhumane, but you did because you have to, not out of joy, or some kind of_ sick delusion_ - you, did it to save the many innocent lives of others. You kill people, so that loved ones don't turn out to be Shannon and Kelly. To be gone. You gave others a chance to live. You're _a good person,_ Ziva. You don't dare to say that you're not, you hear me? Now tell me what is this all about?" He strictly injected sense into her mind. She froze, then gave a sad smile.

"He knows. Tony knows. During his captivity, he received a file about me. And he...can't accept it._ He can't accept me."_ Her shoulders slumped a little, as she tried to keep her focus on the sea.

_"All this time I have been fooling myself into thinking... into thinking that we can work out. We can't work out, we can't."_

His eyes fell as watched Ziva try hard not to break down. His eyes fell as he watched her trying to hold it all in.

"It's okay. I get it." Biting her lips, she softly repeated, "I get it. It's okay_.. it's okay."_

She was fooling herself again. It was not okay. The love of your life, not accepting you - it was not okay. None of this is okay at all.

Her chants turned into a rush of tears, and then into wracking sobs that shook her. He took her in, burying her head onto his shoulder.

_"It's okay..._" She heaved fast and heavily, struggling to stop the crying. But she couldn't. The sky gradually changed, from the orange to a pale grey.

Eventually, she broke off his embrace, wiped the tears with the back of her hand. The sobs ceased, and she looked at him with watery eyes and whispered one last time, in cold finality.

"It's okay."

"No Ziva -" He raised his hand, in an attempt to change her mind.

_Change is inevitable like the seasons. I suggest you embrace it._

Ducky's words rang in her head, this is her - embracing the change.

"Gibbs, no. This is okay. I'm... moving on. If the universe is smacking me down for whatever I did, I am embracing the change. I am.._. letting go._" Her voice shook as she said it. She gave a small laugh, and put down his hand, facing the sea again. The waves continued crashing against the shore, and they continued in comfortable silence.

They both know she didn't mean it. If there is one thing Ziva can't let go, it is Tony. But for the time being, this reassurance will keep her going. Gibbs stayed quiet, knowing that she might be okay for now.

The sun settled down completely, and all that they could hear are the waves crashing.

It was therapeutic.

**A/N: Leave a review on how it went? :) Thank you for reading! **


	21. Given

**Author's note:** So I am back again, I have some time to myself again, finally. I am extremely sorry for being stagnant - I know the previous chapter and story will probably be a blur already and I deeply apologize. I know busy seems like an excuse, I feel guilty for not updating. I love this story I am developing, and I am sad that I couldn't afford to give quick updates. In addition to that, I lost my muse somewhere along watching NCIS promo. I am a mess, I bet you guys are too. I am sorry. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, as always.

**Side note:** Look out for Mcgee.

**Now listening:** Not Alone by Red and Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine.

* * *

They played with fate, he realized. They loved, but they were in love with a false sense of reassurance. It was true love but love without depth. Now, the naked truth stares at him and her. Love comes with obstacles - two people conquering the odds, together. And in the midst the of it all, realization of love. But they, they had not done anything. As depressing as it is, she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her.

He feels for her. But the feelings she has for him, came from the eight years she spent with the old Tony. He is just another man finding his way in the dark and grasping on to the first thing he touches because of desperation to feel wanted in this new world. She was his light, because she was the first person he saw when he woke up.

She did make him feel wanted. She made him real, like he did exist and that he mattered to someone though everything was a blank. It stills feels like yesterday when they were in bed, her laughter sending ripples through his heart. It stills feels like yesterday when they grabbed each other and kissed each other lovingly. She stills feels like a part of him. It won't change. But they got to learn to love again, they got to learn to understand.

Her past, he can't comprehend. It was hard to for his impression of her was that she couldn't hurt anyone.

This was the very thing that sets a rift between them.

Understanding and trust. They are things that comes with time, and they didn't have the time to build that. No matter how much they tell each other that they do understand, they do trust - it was not enough. So they have to learn to trust again.

But he let her slip away. He made her feel like she was the bad person, like she was the one in the wrong. It was all so hard. He doesn't know how to turn back time to tell her... to tell her that he's _sorry._

He didn't even hear Mcgee step in till he spoke.

'Hey Tony. How are you? Heard that you had it rough." Walking towards him, he sat on the armchair across him, looking at him deeply.

"I'm fine." He slowly replied, not sure of what to say. Shying away from his gaze, he stared at the wall before him.

"You sound like Ziva y'know. Speaking of her, where is she? I kind of thought that she'd be staying with you. She was so distraught hearing about you... being gone and all."

Tony's back stiffened, for guilt ate its way through him - she was distraught. Distraught. And she found him again, only to walk away because he was an ass. Dipping his head in absolute agony, he closed his eyes momentarily, pushing back the hot tears.

"She left." His expression unreadable, Mcgee pondered over what those words meant, with the tone of his voice solemn and heavy. Something happened. A wave of anger washed over him, because if Ziva's hurt - and if it's because of Tony, he'd never forgive him. Ziva was his sister too, and he felt an obligation to protect her, especially after the hell she went through. She was the sister that encouraged him when no one did, who urged him on and motivated him. She made him confident to be an agent and to be himself. So yes, if anyone hurts her, he would rush to fiercely defend her. She was that important.

"Why?" Tony could detect from the way his eyebrows were raised, his voice rising, that he had no choice but to tell the truth. And face the music. He doesn't know what he just said to Ziva, he doesn't even know the state his mind was in - and he made her leave. He caused her to fall apart, leaving him with the pieces he couldn't fix together.

"I found uh about her past. She tortur - it's complicated." The minute he said that, he wished he hadn't. Mcgee had stood up, his tall figure looming over him. His face, was one of rigidness and none of emotion. Then he stood with no words.

The room was silent for a long beat. Mcgee's irises darken, and he spoke with a rage Tony never expected to hear from him.

"Do you mean she tortures? You see, the thing is Tony, she changed. The old you never cared about her past -"

"I am not the old Tony she wants to see, don't you get it Mcgee? We thought that we could work out but we are just lying to ourselves!" He intervened, having no idea why his blood just rose in his veins and why he could feel the heat in his body. Inhaling sharply, he muttered an apology.

"Right. You are not the old Tony and yes, the feelings she has - was built from eight years of trust. But, you are _still_ Tony. And she wouldn't give up on you, just as you tried to accommodate because deep down, I believe that you knew you loved her once. And you felt it didn't you? That is why you tried to make it work. Both of you shoved the fact that all this "might not work" away, because of the love felt. So now you found out about her past. You are asking yourself if you knew her, if this, this is good foundation to love. Let me tell you one thing, Anthony DiNozzo." He paused as if trying to gather his words, then adding on.

"The past can't possibly matter. You don't even know three quarters of her, to assume anything at all. Her past, whatever she did - she had no choice. You think she enjoys torturing? She doesn't and she beats herself up for it. She questions if she is human but the fact that she's questioning, the fact that she's hurt by whatever you did - shows that she _is_ human. She is still standing here on two feet today, because of you, Tony. She's still strong because of _you._ She's strong, but with you - she's whole. Can't you see that?"

His words struck chords in his soul.

_"You saved me."_

They shared a scar, he remembered. When he dreamt of her and him the desert, and he saved her. The old him didn't just save her physically, this him, not old or new, but he - saved her.

"She let down her walls, and let you in. That is a leap of faith she's taking, Tony. She's unsure if you and her, will work out but she gave fate a chance. Because people always end up hurting her, and now she might just put those walls up again and bottle up everything. That will hurt her. I don't want to see that. Three years ago, she was captured and tortured for months. You rescued her, brought her back to her feet. And you'll be the one to break her again. If you call yourself Anthony DiNozzo, bring her back home. Fix her."

Letting out a long breath, Mcgee turned to walk away. It has been a long time since he yelled or came close to being angry.

But he can't help being angry.

Because he witnessed her cry.

For the first time in his life, he saw her cry when Eli laid there, lifeless. And from that moment, he saw Ziva. He saw that she loves Eli, no matter what he did - he was her father and he used to be her hero. And he saw her broke down.

It was so hard to see her break down and let it all out. It was so hard to see her cradling his dead body, shaking him as if she hoped that he would come alive. It was _so_ hard. And that has to be the honest moment he ever saw between Ziva and Eli. They were father and daughter at that point of time - she loved him. Truth be told, he tried not to let the tears fall on watching her fervently whispering prayers.

And Tony's face conveyed so much. It was anger, it was pain. He knew, that it took him everything not to pick Ziva from the floor there and then. Because he understood that she needed to be alone.

After that scene, he attempted to help her in every single way. Be it buying her coffee, helping her with Bodnar, or anything. He was scared. He was scared that she might just break. With the tragedies marking her life, she might never be the same again. Now she's hurt again and he's angry. She was his sister, his partner as well.

Tony processed everything Mcgee said. God help him, he never knew about her and now he can't fix what he started. Everything was a huge mess.

How can he fix her when he can't even fix himself?

_Fix her._

It sounded harsh. But he'd figured whatever Mcgee said was true. He has to fix everything. How, he doesn't know but it begins with seeing her. The thing is, he has no idea where she could be.

He would call her.

* * *

She was at Gibbs' beach house. A pang of pain hit her for he just opened part of himself to her, he let him into the house he made for his wife and daughter. She wouldn't have made it this far without Gibbs at all. They made a fire under the fireplace, watching the flames dance. The house was relatively small but homely, pictures of Gibbs and Shannon or Kelly filled the house - they were everywhere. It was all wooden, and they could see the beach outside. He made steak (she has no idea that he brought steak) and poured red wine on it for a good measure. They were at the little dining table, eating away in silence. Glancing up at him, she wondered if he could stand being in this house, with memories of Shannon and Kelly.

"I miss them." He confessed, returning her glance. She realized almost half a day passed since she left Tony. And it hurts again.

"I miss him."

He didn't reply.

Silence was prevalent till the ring of her phone cut through it like a screech. Fumbling to reach it, her face fell when she saw that it was him.

"Not answering?" Gibbs asking, taking a sip of wine.

"No."

"Answer it. He says something stupid, hang up. Listen to what he has to say, I know you want to."

Once again, Gibbs hit the bull's eye about her.

"Ziva." He said breathlessly and his heart palpitated.

Her heart stopped, as she opened and closed her mouth. Gibbs nodded, urging her to go on. And so she did.

"Tony." She replied ruefully, as his breath got caught in his throat. Her voice sent him to his knees. All the words he wanted to say left him as he stood still, just holding the phone with his clammy hands.

"We need to talk." These were the only four words he could manage and he berated himself for it sounded so wrong.

"You will be talking to a killer. Do you want that?" Her voice raw with pain, she awaited for his reply. There was just his breathing on the other end, and forgive her if the sound of his breath made her heart twinge a little. Heavy breaths before he spoke again.

"Ziva. I am sorry. I am. I don't even know what to say right now. I get it if you don't want to see me or talk to me but hear me out, please?"

He said_ please_.

"Okay." Heaving a sigh, she's giving in again. She doesn't know when was it she gave in so easily, but maybe too much has happened _not_ to. "I'm listening and make it quick." Using her other hand to brush back her hair, she bit her lips, her chest constricting at what he was going to say.

"Look, you gave us a chance. I know that we have so many underlying flaws we cannot fix. The love we have for each other, it is real. The feelings you have for me, came from the eight years you shared with him. But I know, I understand it. These feelings will not change because I lost my memories, they will not change because you refuse to give up on us, on me. So I won't either. I am here because I will not give up. I am sorry if I said anything, if I hurt you. It was never intended."

"Tony I..."

"Ziva. Your past. I do not care anymore."

And things became clear.

It is scary to hear him not caring, he could not come to terms with her past but now he is not caring. She wanted to him to care. Because only by caring, they could move forward.

Both of them were at fault.

"You need to care, Tony. You do. For us to work, you need to know and you need to care. Otherwise we will just be dancing, not playing the music. We would be pretending that everything will resolve again. You deserve to know about me, you deserve to be_ shocked_. But I want you to know that, I do not do... those things for fun. I did what I had to do at that point of time. I am not proud of what I had done. Neither should you."

"I can't be proud of what you have done but I can be proud of _you._ For not giving up on me, for staying strong." He said, feeling a warmth gushing through him.

She thought she saw a flicker of a smile sweeping across Gibbs face when she said that she did what she had to do.

"Date me."

And he gasped a little by the words he just said to her. It was on instinct.

"Date me. Because we need to take it slow. You don't understand me, I don't understand you either. We think we do, but we don't and we played, Ziva. We played with fate."

She heard herself gasp. And she felt touched. He was being so patient. She has nothing to say.

"Date me, Ziva. Because I want you to fall _in_ love with me all over again. I want to love you for who you are. Let's start anew and afresh. Give _us_ a chance." This time, she shuddered with the depth of his words and understanding and her eyes started to see blur.

"Maybe we can learn to love again."

This time, she let out a choked sob.

"Okay. Tony, okay." She failed at keeping her voice from wavering for it shook, and her lips trembled.

She remembered wanting them to go back to the 10 seconds, those 10 seconds when they realized their feelings before everything spun out of control - she wishes that it could happen, but a small lining of hope says that they could create a new 10 seconds.

"Goodnight, Tony." She says, feeling her lips tugging into a small smile.

"Goodnight, Ziva." And they both hung up the phone, their hearts bounded once more. Gibbs just motioned her to continue with dinner.

They will be okay.

* * *

**_To be continued. Reviews will be gladly appreciated! _**


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